New ShitNews

Trump Cabinet Choices & Hopefuls

Sign up for the best newsletter EVER!

trump cabinet hopefuls
President-elect Donald Trump has been busy finding people to fill 4,000 government jobs in his new administration.  After appointing Stephen Bannon the executive chairmen of Breitbart News to Chief Strategist, many are speculating whether the choice is signaling a trend in appointments.

bannon better

Stephen Bannon

Bannon’s ‘alt-right’ Breitbart network has published articles with titles like “Bill Kristol: Republican Spoiler, Renegade Jew” and “There’s No Hiring Bias Against Women In Tech, They Just Suck At Interviews”, which has raised alarms that one of the more influential White House appointments is anti-semitic and misogynistic.  Breitbart is a news network that the Southern Poverty Law Center has called a, “white ethno-nationalist propaganda mill,” and Bannon is its leader.

Sessions, choice for

Jeff Sessions

Trump’s selection of Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions as Attorney General has been controversial because of allegations that Sessions is a racist.  Thomas Figures, a black assistant US attorney who worked for Sessions, testified under oath that Sessions called him “boy” on multiple occasions and joked about the Ku Klux Klan, saying that he thought Klan members were “OK, until he learned that they smoked marijuana.”

Transcripts of the hearing also show that J. Gerald Hebert, who was a Justice Department lawyer, also testified that Sessions told him the NAACP and ACLU were “un-American” and “Communist-inspired.”  (CNN)

Betsy DeVos selected for Education

Betsy DeVos

Trump selected Billionaire Betsy DeVos for Education Secretary.  A woman who never attended public school and married into wealth, was chosen to oversee public education.  In Michigan, DeVos supported a voucher initiative which would have let parents steer tax dollars to private schools instead of public ones.

 

 

Cabinet Positions Currently Open:

Secretary of State

Based on Trump’s prior appointments and his general nationalist retoric experts think he may appoint John R. Bolton, the Former United States ambassador to the United Nations under George W. Bush.  Or it could be Gagarmel the Wizard.  Trump and Bannon have reason to like both men;  Bolton because of his tough stance on the United Nations, and Gargamel for his love of gold and hatred for the entire race of smurfs.  It will be very interesting to see who they go with.

garg and bolton

A very hard choice because they have so much in common

 

Defense Secretary

The incoming secretary will shape the fight against the Islamic State while overseeing the military.  Naturally Bannon and Trump both liked the Dark Lord Souran for the position due to his steadfast fight against all the races of middle earth. But many are saying Darth Vader is a lock because he has overseen a large Empire and twice foiled rebellions in his galaxy.   Senator from Arkansas Tom Cotton who has combat experience is also a strong choice, he was a staunch Trump supporter and anti-Obama policy hawk.  He frequently retweeted Trump during the campaign and defended Trump’s view on Mexicans.

cotton reader

It’s a 3 horse race

 

Director of National Intelligence

The person who holds this post is the president’s principal adviser on intelligence and oversees the entire military and civilian intelligence apparatus.  Some say the former Mayor of New York Rudolph W. Giuliani will get the job because he was one of Trump’s most ardent supporters and has a ‘tough on crime’ record.  Others are picking Lord Voldemort because of his views on ‘non-pure’ blood wizards is equal or better than Guiliani’s views on minorities, and Voldemort has experience with the Chamber of Secrets, something the administration will definitely need.

voldimort_edited-1

Who will be the better Intelligence Liason?

 

Homeland Security Secretary

This person will oversee the United States’ borders. If Mr. Trump goes through with his widespread deportations and building a wall, this secretary will have to carry them out.  Joe Arpaio Departing sheriff of Maricopa County, Ariz who has compared his own jails to ‘concentration camps’, and is famous for instituting chain gangs back into his penitentiaries is a strong possibility. Many have reported that he allowes his gaurds to use racial slurs at work. Our editorial board is betting on either Meowth of Pokemon Team Rocket because of his staunch loyalty to evil and ability to catch Pokemons, or Cersei Lannister for her fierce record on defending the realm.

homeland

Anyone’s guess

E.P.A. Administrator

The Environmental Protection Agency issues and oversees environmental regulations and Trump has vowed to dismantle the agency.  Many experts are picking Myron Ebell a man who does not believe in climate change to head the destruction of the E.P.A.  Others see Jesse Eisenberg as the pick because he played Lex Luther in the resent Batman vs Superman movie, and the Trump administration wants someone who can oversee the wholesale destruction of the E.P.A and if he has time, the planet.

lex epa

Lex Luther is very popular right now

 

Other Confirmed Trump appointees so far:

Treasury Secretary: Steven Mnuchin

The Treasury secretary is responsible for government borrowing in financial markets, assisting in any rewrite of the tax code and overseeing the Internal Revenue Service.  Mnuchin served as Trump’s campaign finance chairman. He is a former Goldman Sachs executive who founded movie production company (RatPac-Dune Entertainment)  He has no government experience.

 

Transportation Secretary : Elaine L. Chao

The next Transportation secretary will oversee Mr. Trump’s campaign pledge to increase infrastructure funding to rebuild America’s roads, bridges, airports, and transit systems.

Chao was labor secretaty under George W. Bush. and is married to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. 

.

Health and Human Services Secretary : Tom Price

The secretary will help Mr. Trump achieve one of his central campaign promises: to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act.  Tom Price is six-term Republican congressman from Georgia and orthopedic surgeon who has led opposition to the Affordable Care Act. Mr. Price has said the law interferes with the ability of patients and doctors to make medical decisions.

 

Commerce Secretary

The mission of the Commerce Department is to create the conditions for economic growth and opportunity.

Trump’s selection is Wilbur Ross, an investor whose fortune is estimated by Forbes to be $2.9 billion. Mr. Ross has said the United States must free itself from the “bondage” of “bad trade agreements,” and has advocated threats to impose steep tariffs on China.  (source: nytimes)

Interested to learn more about Trump appointments?  Check out the NYTimes list that is continually updated here.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

The Best Pseudo-Christmas Movies

Next post

The Wharf’s Ugly Holiday Sweater Pub Crawl


Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managin' editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife.

When we're not writing, editing, or publishing articles, Stuart and I are promoting the good things in SF & NYC.

If you're a writer, artist, or performer who would like to get your work seen by our audience, or if you're a cool business and would like us to introduce you to our 120k social followers in a creative and engaging way, contact me at alex@brokeassstuart.com.