How To Use Mistletoe Without Being A Creep
Ahhhhh, kissing under the mistletoe!
You have it all planned: after partaking in some holiday cheer, you’ll maneuver your object of desire into the door frame where the familiar green twig with white is hangin (if it has red berries it’s Holly, not mistletoe), and you kiss the hell out of them. And then she or he will be yours for … the desired period of time.
Sorry, let’s nip this scenario in the bud.
One: people are not objects – of desire or not. Two: mistletoe is a poisonous, semi-parasitic plant that should not be trifled with. Three: partaking in holiday cheer often results in people slobbering over other people who shudder in disgust as a response.
Ahhhh, kissing under the mistletoe: so romantic in films, so creepy in real life! Still, you’re at the party, and mistletoe is hanging there.
So is the person of interest. The said person might very well welcome your initiative and being dragged under the mistletoe hanging etc., but I do recommend testing the waters, because, you know, consent.
How can you use mistletoe to get their attention without risking coming across as, well, aggressive, creepy, or simply a little desperate?
You can try the seemingly blandest option of all: talk about it. Okay, okay, I can understand if you’re now asking “how is talking about a twig with white toxic berries hanging from a door frame not creepy, aggressive and desperate?”, but bear with me:
Discuss in detail how Loki killed (or tricked the blind Höðr to kill) Baldur with a mistletoe-poisoned arrow which prompted a promise from, well, everyone, that mistletoe would never again be used as a weapon and people who find themselves underneath it have to kiss in order to reaffirm this pledge. Depending on the mood, a kiss might now be forthcoming. If not, casually mention that mistletoe to Baldur is basically what a heel is to Achilles – a simple reference to body parts could push things towards physical. If not, consider the awesome conversations you can have about things drawing their narrative from Baldur’s death – from Edda to The Avengers . (You want to keep the nerd/geek level at 8 or higher for this, obviously.) In case your love interest is not interested in all things Norse, go south. Mistletoe is, as already mentioned a semi-parasitic toxic plant with.
Mistletoe is used as such in continental Europe and the Mediterranean. Start off with its beneficial traits! A quick internet search will tell you that when administered by a good herbalist it will – allegedly – help with pretty much everything: it will help hypertension, regulate the function of pancreas, help digestion, alleviate panic attacks, cure cancer, and infertility. Whether you believe it or not: please do not self-medicate. The berries are toxic (they contain lectins, alkaloids, and other unpleasant stuff) and although they might cause hallucinations, don’t go there. (Remember, people used to think belladonna and strychnine were quite awesome, and they’re really really not.) Just use it as a conversation prop and let the magic develop.
If it doesn’t: perhaps your love interest is a bore, and why would you want to hang out with a bore?
Speaking of magic: you might want to hang mistletoe around your house for general protection. Magick and witchcraft experts – as well as some traditional beliefs – claim that mistletoe will ensure good luck, general protection of the home and fertility (there’s fertility again, so proceed with caution) in people and in cattle.
Used with due care, mistletoe will protect you, your family and your home from disease, lightning, werewolves and having your children switched with faerie changelings. And it’s never too early to make sure you children aren’t switched with faerie changelings. Particularly if that kiss you share after your interesting conversation goes well.