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Shia LaBeouf: The Crazy Boyfriend You Want and Why

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It’s hard to know what to look for in a boyfriend these days. Between the gender bending, fake news, and the increasing likelihood that we’re going to be the generation that fights, (and loses) WWIII-you’re gonna need a boyfriend who’s flexible enough to go along with whatever happens next. Whether it’s making sense of Sean Spicer’s next press conference, or your feelings about it, you’re gonna need a man who’s crazy enough for you in this brave new world. You need someone who has been through some things, who’s not going to judge you. You want a boyfriend who is crazy enough to be good in bed, but successful enough to shield you from any consequences of his erratic behavior. May I suggest Shia LaBeouf.

Via TooFab

LaBeouf is 30 years old which means he’s almost ready to turn into a real man. Like most twenty-something morons you’ve slept with, Lebeouf has had his fair share of dumb ideas. But unlike that “performance artist” in Santa Cruz who is only homeless “for the experience” Labeouf has money and an audience. If he doesn’t spend his last dime “investing” it in bad art or bailing himself out of jail he might have enough to rescue you from the burning pile of rubble that was once The United States of America. Weirdo’s like LaBeouf get chased out way before they come for uppity whore bloggers. Go with him.

His arrest record looks promising. A decade ago he was being arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct, now he’s being arrested for punching people he disagrees with.

Huge improvement.

A few more embarrassing scuffles and he might be ready to defend you against an angry mob of Trump supporters, or maybe he can challenge your Dad to a fistfight at Thanksgiving. Anything to distract your family from that one time you were arrested for dancing into traffic wearing that nice police officer’s hat. You know his security team is used to the shenanigans. He also recently shouted down a Nazi with so much passion and intensity it made headlines. (Shortly after, he was arrested again.)

He might even be marriageable in few years or so. He did have a commitment ceremony with 23-year-old Mia Goth in Las Vegas in 2016, so we know he’s not afraid of commitment.

Shia’s heart doesn’t need actual paperwork – Via The Mirror

Speaking of commitment, he also cut up his own face and pulled out his own tooth to make the film Fury. Imagine what he’ll be willing to do for you!

The definition of commitment  – Via

Labeouf is also sticking to his story about getting raped at his own art exhibit in 2014 despite his story being almost universally ridiculed.  The experience genuinely traumatized the sensitive artist whose co-collaborator Luke Turner said “I don’t think you need a notice on the wall saying “do not murder the artist.” Having a boyfriend who cried rape in a more public and humiliating way than you did means he gets it. So go ahead and tell him that foggy night freshman year was the night your soul was murdered, he gets it. You two can hold each other late at night knowing you’ve both been through a sexual trauma.

Via Daily Mail

Plus he’s Jewish! Unless you aren’t into that sort of thing, in which case he became a Christian on the set of Fury. The point is that he’s a very spiritually flexible person! 

Dating someone like Shia LaBrouf is a great way to distract your family from the fact that there is NO WAY you’re ever going to pay off your student loans writing pithy think pieces and knitting coasters for the resistance…unless your crazy famous boyfriend helps you. And as we all know, no one can motivate you to chase your dreams like Shia!

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Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey is a stand-up comic. You may have seen her on MTV's Braless, or heard her on SiriusXM radio. She writes for Vice and travels with the CAKE Comedy Tour.