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Your ‘F**k Valentine’s’ Day Menu

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Put up your St. Patrick’s Day decorations a week ago as a passive-aggressive middle finger to Valentine’s Day: check! Boosted your mental state by reading up on how to cope with being cold and alone on Valentine’s Day: check! Splurged on a whole box of wine (hey, don’t judge a beverage just because it’s encased in cardboard… I came from a box, and I turned out alright): check!

Now all that’s left is to fix yourself a fancy dinner, because hey, you freaking deserve it. And the upside is, no one gives a crap if your breath smells like delicious death, so I’ve compiled a five course Valentine’s meal for those of us who won’t be ending the night experimenting with whatever fun toy came in our Burger King Naughty Adults’ Meal.

***If you are a vampire, please disregard this menu, and feel free to feast on the blood of Steve Bannon, Sean Spicer, or any of the Trumps… Just because you haven’t had a Valentine’s date in 1200 years doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to treat yourself to a blue blood banquet on this special night.

Soup: Natto Miso Soup

Miso soup is a light, fresh first course to many Asian meals. It can also be a stellar start to any variety of five-course meal, as it will warm your belly without filling it up too much before the next four courses. The addition of natto to this recipe adds a slightly pungent yet earthy flavor to this starter, but it’s okay, because no one will be around to question your adventurous decision. The fermented soybeans are known for their pungent aroma, but they’re also known for their health benefits. Because it’s important to take care of yourself, even when you’re single…

Natto Jiru © Shizuoka Gourmet

Salad: Fried Pont l’Eveque Salad

Why not use the “freshest” course of your meal to pack a double-whammy: this recipe has both Pont l’Eveque, the world’s number one stinkiest cheese, and asparagus, to make sure your pee smells funky the next morning. It’s actually quite delicious: a little sweet (from the strawberries and dried cranberries,) peppery and fresh (from the greens and asparagus,) rich from the cheese, and a bit tart from the vinaigrette and the Pont l’Eveque’s afternotes. Lightly frying the cheese until it’s warm brings out its flavor and texture, and makes this course something extra special. It’s easy to prepare, just take this recipe for Mother’s Day Salad and replace the goat cheese with the Pont l’Eveque, or if that’s a little much for you, maybe start with a Camembert. Cuz, you know, sometimes you’ve got to start with just the tip and work your way up…

Fried Cheese Salad, © Rosenberry Rooms

Appetizer: Garlic-Onion Tortilla Cake

Let’s use the third course to pontificate on the cruel injustice that is the fact that someone actually married Guy Fieri and you are still single. There’s… there’s really no explanation for that, but there is an explanation for his tortilla cake: it’s actually tasty AF. Plus, it’s a chance to savor the smelly-yet-scrumptious combination that is onions and garlic without worrying about someone gagging on your kisses.

Garlic-Onion Tortilla Stack © Food Network

Main Course: 40 Garlic Clove Chicken

This recipe is a lot easier to make than it sounds. It’s mostly just garlic, with a little chicken tossed in. I can say from experience that it is a delicious treat, and your single soiree is the perfect time to try it out as no one will run screaming from you raging garlic breath afterwards. Follow guru Alton Brown’s instructions, and you can’t go wrong. Don’t eat meat? Not to worry! These delectable vegan roasted garlic street tacos will have the same horrifying effect on your exhalations.

Dessert: Durian Puree Cheesecake

If you’re still freaking hungry after all that (who are you kidding? Eat all the emotions!) you should annihilate this durian puree cheesecake. If you don’t know about durian, here are a few fun facts: it is hailed as the king of fruits, and scientists who studied it found over 50 chemical compounds that attributed to its stench, which has been described as “turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock” and like “you’d been French-kissing your dead grandmother.” Its odor is so foul and powerful that it has been banned from public transit in Singapore. It’s on every adventurous foodie’s bucket list, and many find its savory, sweet, and creamy profile quite delicious, if they can get over the smell first…

Screw Valentine’s Day!

That’s right, screw it good and hard by enjoying a delicious, albeit dank, five course feast. Your breath might smell like a thousand diaper genies malfunctioned right next to a sugar factory, and your sweat might smell akin to whatever stench graces Fin Shepard’s body after chainsawing his way out of 500 sharks, but it’s okay. You deserve it. Maybe grab a bottle of Febreeze while snagging up the ingredients, though…

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AJ Earley - Persnickety Provocateur

AJ Earley - Persnickety Provocateur

AJ is a private chef, freelance writer, somewhat transient traveler, and root beer float aficionado who decided to pursue her passions despite the fact that they often leave her pockets a little emptier than they could be. She can cook and she can write and she likes to romp around the globe and have fun... why the f*** is she still single?