The Best Bathrooms To Shit For Free In NYC
By: Jonas Barnes
If you’re surprised I’m writing an article about where to take the best free shits in NYC, we need to get to know one another better.
If you know me, writing about taking a good free shit makes as much sense as me writing about being fat. I walk around NYC daily to do comedy and, by default, shits have to happen, and I’d prefer that they be free. Nobody likes to pay a fee to drop off a loaf of pumpernickel in the city on top of everything else we have to pay for.
Let me get a few obvious ones out of the way for you smart ass readers, so we can eliminate them, shall we?
1. Your pants.
No! Shitting your pants, while free and convenient, is a bad option no matter how many people in the city do it. Food poisoning isn’t even an excuse. You at least go find a good sink.
2. On the subway or in the subway stations.
Absolutely unacceptable for anyone currently employed. You deserve to be beaten if you do this.
3. Outdoors in places where people lounge and/or relax such as parks or other grassy knolls.
I don’t care if you make your own fertilizer, you aren’t helping the city by doing this and you’re scaring the children.
Now that the worst places to take free shits are out of the way, we can get to the best places for a free shit in NYC! (Listed from worst to best.)
Honorable Mention – Port Authority Bus Terminal
Okay, I’m saying this one is an “honorable mention” because it depends on what your idea of “best” is when it comes to a free shit in the city. This one is “best” in the sense of convenience. Multiple bathrooms are in the complex and they have a lot of stalls so you have a solid chance of getting a seat when the sirens hit. Plus it has both late and early hours of operation. That’s where the “best” parts end, though. The price you pay for that convenience is steep! You have to contend with smells and sounds you want nothing to do with along with a litany of homeless shenanigans such as: Underwear Sink Laundry, Enthusiastic Masturbation, Open Air Heroin Shooting, and Screaming Incoherence. For those reasons, your friendly Port Authority Bus Terminal should be used with caution.
5. Any McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is a reliable, free bathroom available in almost all locations throughout NYC. And there are many around the city. Life Hack: If the bathroom has an “Out Of Service” sign on it, they’re probably lying and it only applies to the homeless because they’ve reached their daily quota for people nodding off on the toilet. It gets the number 5 slot because people that eat McDonald’s on a regular basis use them and, thus, the smell is usually chokingly offensive. I recommend the “hover” technique when you have to “sit” in these restrooms.
4. All Non-McDonald’s Fast Food Restaurants.
I’m 100% serious when I say that pretty much any other fast food joint in the city has a very reliable shitter. Standouts include Arby’s, Shake Shack, Chik-Fil-A, and Five Guys. Popeye’s and KFC both depend on location, while Burger King comes very close to McDonald’s, only narrowly edging out the Golden Arches with better than expected bathroom quality. Wendy’s is great when you can find one. Taco Bell is not recommended as they usually do close the bathrooms for long periods of time. They’re serving Taco Bell so this practice is cruel, to say the least.
Yeah, bars are great for a free bathroom provided you’re over 21. No shit is worth fighting a bouncer, and if you do, you’ll surely violate the pants-shitting rule listed above. So have the ID ready and sneak in to take a load off. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, it gets number 3 because you need to abide by a couple rules when shitting in a bar. First rule is simple: Better quality bar means a better quality bathroom almost 100% of the time. So you’re getting a better shitting experience from your high-end craft beer bar than your crusty punk bar. Next rule isn’t as simple: You gotta wait your turn. Alcohol not only causes the shits (making bathroom demand high) but they also house many non-traditional bathroom activities such as cocaine snorting and blowjobs. If you bust in on a coke plate or an oral arrangement, you close that door and wait until they’re finished.
2. Starbucks and Coffee Shops.
Ah yes, the wonderful world of coffee is abundant in NYC. On top of Starbucks, there are a million other coffee shops around the city and almost all of them have pretty stellar bathrooms. And to be honest, they would have every right to have bad bathrooms so this is a pleasant surprise. Too much coffee is a gastrointestinal disaster at times, and nobody would shake a finger at anyone for not making it in time. Yet, against all odds, coffee shops remain solidly at the #2 spot for having wonderful free places to shit. They take a small hit for asshole baristas that try really hard to make you buy something first, even if your free shit success rate is still damn near 100%.
Hotels exist on another plain entirely when it comes to a free shit in NYC. If you look even a little bit presentable, you’re in for a treat. Hotel bathrooms are generally well taken care of, smell nice, have multiple locations, 24-hour accessibility, and very little fuss from the front counter. Occasionally you’ll have to take an escalator or a fucking sweet glass elevator to your destination on a higher floor, but you can just look at that as ascending to your free shit Heaven. Another added bonus is that hotels generally stock the bathrooms with better than usual toilet paper. And if you’re real crafty and time it correctly, you can drop into a lower level chain hotel like a Holiday Inn, do the deed and leave with a free cup of coffee & a shitty pastry from the continental breakfast for guests. The front desk clerks at that level of hotel don’t get paid enough to give a damn about you having a muffin, coffee, & a free shit.