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How to Get Laid, Without Tinder

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We’ve all come to the cruel realization that orgasms are not like seamless orders. But, how do people get laid without Tinder? Of course, there are other apps, dating websites, and social media pages where you can try to turn acquaintanceship into sweaty sex via chat…but you’re tired of all that. You’re going to have to go out in public.

Public is a perilous place filled with lots of people who don’t want to have sex with you!

Via -

Via –

But there are also some people who might want to have sex with you, and that’s very exciting. Are you intrigued? Good.

People connect everywhere, bars, bookstores, parks, parties, offices…anywhere where people talk, they can flirt. Flirting in person is different than flirting via text, for one thing you shouldn’t wink 😉  that often in real life.

Flirting usually starts with real eye contact.


Where are you going? Eye contact is not that scary! You’ll get used to it, I promise.

Scanning a bar or party for people willing to lock eyes with you is a great way to meet new people. But what about that other cute so&so at the bookstore, or that colleague who always seems to hold your eyes just long enough to make you think it’s a thing? It might be a thing! Sometimes, the eye contact is so intense your bodies are drawn together, you just start making out, ripping each other’s clothes off, and look! Now you’re having sex.

Don't count on this scenario

Don’t count on this scenario – Via-

This is very rare. If eye contact doesn’t immediately lead to kissing, you may have to talk.

Talking, in real life, in real time, is more challenging than texting or typing. You won’t be able to edit, or ask a friend for help, or use emoticons. Instead of dancing unicorns and pizza emoji’s you’ll have to use your face for a thing called “expressions.”

You can talk about anything, but eventually, you should talk about things like condoms, consent, and things you both like in bed.

If you’re not sure what you like in bed, you should think about what porn you watch and maybe start there.

Now you’re talking about having sex!

Sometimes dancing can take the place of talking, especially if you don’t speak the same language as the person you are trying to have sex with. Body language will take the place of spoken language and you two will probably figure it out.

Pulp Fiction

Courtesy the Weinstein company

Go have sex! You can do it anywhere!

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Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey is a stand-up comic. You may have seen her on MTV's Braless, or heard her on SiriusXM radio. She writes for Vice and travels with the CAKE Comedy Tour.


  1. BriceR
    March 14, 2017 at 12:01 pm

    Step One: Be attractive.

    • Kaytlin Bailey
      Kaytlin Bailey
      March 14, 2017 at 12:26 pm

      people in leper colonies are fucking. You’ll figure it out.

      • BriceR
        March 14, 2017 at 12:51 pm

        Step Two: Have Leprosy.