San Francisco’s Best Burgers…Ranked!
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Disclaimer: This is not an exhaustive list. If I had eaten every burger in the Bay Area, I wouldn’t be this gorgeous pile of womanhood lying in bed typing. I’d be dead because what could have compelled me to eat that much cow meat?
Here are some notable San Francisco burgers on a very exact rating scale:
10 means I’d gladly murder my brother (if I had one) to eat it once a month and 1 means it’s basically the hamburger-shaped cardboard they serve in middle school cafeterias.
618 Broadway, North Beach
A classic is a class and Sam’s is a classic. While not at all fancy, the burgers also manage somehow to not be too greasy. There’s a lot to be said about a place that anachronistic too. What decade am I in? Who cares?
I honestly don’t know why this place is so popular. These burgers might as well be from Wendy’s: fine but nothing special. The patties could be more flavorful but to be fair: the pickles are pretty good.
Roam’s burgers are very juicy, very dense and have exactly the right ratio of meat to bun to toppings. Even their veggie burgers (which I’m pretty sure are seasonally mixed) are somehow just as tasty. Plus, toasted marshmallow milkshake toppers.
Mission Bowling Club
3176 17th St, Mission
It’s a good burger. Is it a good price? No. I understand pricey ingredients play a factor but there are better burgers to be had with a tighter budget. Honestly, the bun is the best part of this particular burger.
251 Geary St, Union Square
Why do celebrity chefs insist on making mediocre-to-shabby restaurants “for the rest of us”? If TGI Friday’s only had burgers, some salads and ungodly large milkshakes on their menu, this is what you’d get. I can’t help feeling like every burger has bodily fluids up in there.
708 Post St, TenderNob
Pearl’s burgers taste a lot like if your friend’s dad who grills every summer decided to prove what a good grillmaster he is but only by shopping at a Piggly Wiggly. They’re basic but not shabby.
These burgers are very hit or miss, sometimes the flavors are great and other times it’s meh. But also, they’re pretty small and pricey so it’s not worth trying to get one if other options are available.
333 Jefferson St, Fisherman’s Wharf
Animal style does not make these burgers better. Y’all are just being ridiculous by putting that shit on them. It does, however, improve the fries and I do still grab a combo meal whenever I can.
560 Divisadero St
Fight me: this burger is not that great. It’s fine. It is not, however, spectacular nor worthy of all the attention people in this city give it. It’s a good bun, it’s good meat. It’s lacking a certain element of balance in textures and flavors that keeps it from being a spectacular burger.
4138 24th St, Noe Valley
I honestly can’t remember what a Barney’s burger tastes like so I’m left to assume it was just fine. Obviously not memorable for any reason. Possibly a little dry?
2300 16th St
Grease. Bomb. Central.
Red’s Java House
Pier 30, Embarcadero
Honestly, does it even matter what the burgers taste like (they’re good, solidly satisfying) when the entire city would go into mourning if Red’s ever closed?
Only one step up on the memorability scale from Barney’s. It’s a solid burger, not too greasy (most of the time) but there’s a level of crispness or freshness about the ingredients that’s missing.
4505 Burgers & BBQ
705 Divisadero St
Unsurprisingly, if you’re into a real meaty burger, this one’s for you. As a personal preference, I’d rather have a less messy pile of meat. The bun is also a little too delicate for the kind of burger they’re producing.
203 Octavia Blvd
Do you have a death wish? Are you someone who enjoys the thought of things more than the reality? Are you a little boy trapped in a man’s body? Great, go get this dumb donut burger then.
2850 Jones St
I can honestly say these are the best burgers I’ve ever had. They know exactly which ingredients should be fancified and which ones should be solid standards. It is juicy, not greasy, with exactly the right ratio of toppings. It shouldn’t be a surprise because Argentina is a meat wonderland but this, right here, is the burger you should seek out immediately.