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What Your Yoga Pants Say About You

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

By: Mar-Li Pitcher 

It’s a Tuesday afternoon. You’ve got your latte in hand and you’re ready to take over the world, one downward facing dog at a time.

1. You’re Fearless

"Fearless" Via -

“Fearless” Via –

Yoga pants don’t exactly leave a lot to the imagination. But you don’t care about that, do you? You’ve got an ass that could start fights between strangers on the street, so you’re just fine wearing your yogas any and everywhere you can. Your confidence is the stuff of legends, you magnificent son of a bitch. And on this day, everyone will bask in your glory.

2. The Only Good Dog Is A Purse Dog

Demi Moore takes her dog to Yoga Via -

Demi Moore takes her dog to Yoga Via –

Sure, it’s nice when a golden retriever greets you at the door and everything. But where’s the style in that? You know that a dog is a lover, friend, companion and most of all, a fashion accessory. If you can’t scoop Penelope up and put her in your new Gucci, she’s just not the one for your fiercely independent ass.

3. Did Someone Say Fiercely Independent Ass?

Via -

Via –

You don’t need anyone but you. When you look in the mirror and see those pants stretched over that perfectly round ass of yours, you fall in love with yourself all over again. You may be selling weight loss wraps and pyramid schemes to your friends online to make the ends meet but, goddamn it, you’re the only one that answers to you!

4. Beyonce Is Life

The Queen herself in yoga pants Via - Pinterest

The Queen herself in yoga pants Via – Pinterest

As you saunter down the sidewalk, you’re listening to the soundtrack of your life in your new earbuds. “Run The World (Girls)” blasts away as you showcase your confidence to the world around you in a way that is envied by everyone. On this day, you’re letting everyone know that the queen has arrived and they’re lucky to be in your presence.

5. You’re The Ruler of Planet Fitness

Via -

Via –

You don’t get a beautiful ass to showcase in these pants by accident. It takes work, baby! That elliptical isn’t going to use itself. You’re ready to fill your artisan glass water bottle with only the best-filtered water and show these lesser-thans that you mean business. No weights today, girl, it’s all about the sweat. Don’t answer that text, it’s work time.

6. You’re So Hungry

I know you want the world to stop when you walk by. But you have to eat something or you’re going to pass out. You’re losing a lot of water weight through the sweat. You’ve only had 2 cigarettes, an apple and half a superfood bar today. Please eat soon. I told you not to answer that text, didn’t I?

7. You’re Not The Side Piece


Don’t do it gurl. Via-

Tim is an asshole. You’re a catch and anyone would be lucky to have you. Fuck him, he doesn’t know what he’s throwing away. Put the phone down, he isn’t worth your feelings. This is about you today.

8. Vodka Is Low In Calories

Via -

Via –

Why are you asking the girls if they want to go out tonight? This is a bad idea. You’re making a mistake. Go home, curl up with purse puppy and watch some Netflix! Treat yourself to some FroYo & 75% Cacao dark chocolate. You’ve earned it! What are you doing…I said put the phone down!

9. You Know The Best Psychiatrist In The City

Not a great idea .... Via-

Not a great idea. Via-

Your appointment is set for tomorrow at noon. He’s a dick and you’ll be fine. You’re overdue for a Xanax party anyway, right? This is just the hunger talking, everything will be fine. There is no reason to panic. Why are you breathing like that?

10. You Fall Asleep In The Amazon

Courtesy 20th century fox

Courtesy 20th-century fox

Not the jungle, silly. The marketplace! Sure, you worked your ass off only to find out that  Tim is an asshole. You realized that vodka & Xanax make for a messy mix and turn your lights out. Someone went drunk shopping last night, didn’t she? Those overdraft charges aren’t gonna help matters. But at least you’ll have more yoga pants in the next 7-14 business days.

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