Even More Food & Drinks That Shouldn’t Exist
OFF MENU IS SPONSORED BY BENDER’S BECAUSE THEY ARE BADASS. DROP BY AND MAKE SOME BAD DECISIONS WITH SOME GOOD PEOPLE!
Because Part 1 of 10 Foods & Drink That Shouldn’t Exist and Part 2 of 10 MORE Food & Drinks That Shouldn’t Exist apparently weren’t enough for this godforsaken planet, the universe has seen fit to expel even more slovenly detritus to its greedy masses in a never-slacking campaign to satiate a dark hunger that has no end.
How can we continue to call ourselves humanity when we show such a lack of it? How do we continue from this ritual of endless torment?
I hope you’re proud of yourselves.
1. The KFC Chizza
Join our weekly newsletter so we can send you awesome freebies, weird events, incredible articles, and gold doubloons (note: one of these is not true).
Do you think this is a game? To make a fried chicken cutlet into a receptacle for Hawaiian-style pizza? With cheese sauce? Cheese sauce? This is why we can’t have nice things.
2. Naga Chili Vodka
I, too, believe that we are doomed as a species but this is no way to go. I don’t know what 250,000 scovilles equates to in square inches of taste buds annihilated on my tongue but the punishment is too cruel even for us.
3. Spaghetti donuts
How. Dare. You? To take a delicious pasta and a delicious bread, to assume that they can somehow improve them by fusing this monster is not only the height of arrogance, it is foolhardy indeed. Also, that’s obviously a bagel, not a donut.
I’m honestly not sure what is worse: the fact that these are supposed to be an even more advanced level of hot pocket or that anyone would be lazy enough to need a canned peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of just buying the damned ingredients and construct one. The apocalypse is nigh.
Ever been to Chicago? Did you have Malort? Either way, it’s terrible. Like Fernet that went bad and someone tried to hide it with sugar. Too much sugar. Traditions are beautiful but some things are the territory of the devil. Find me someone who enjoys drinking it and I will show you a liar.
6. Cuttlefish odori-don
Schadenfreude is a German word that means “to take joy out of another’s misery or pain”. If you’re pouring soy sauce on a dead cuttlefish to stimulate its nervous system into dancing before you eat its exhausted corpse…you and I both know there’s something dark at play.
7. Live minnow shots
Speaking of torturing seafood, for what purpose would you ever need to take a shot of alcohol containing an actual live fish in it? So that you can experience the joy of its death shits in your throat as it slides down?
8. Anything in “Natural Harvest”
“Natural Harvest” is a real cookbook. No, honestly, you can buy it and it is absolutely sincere. Literally any one of its semen-based recipes could have been on this list but the cosmos is not kind and so I had to pile them into one entry.
9. Unicorn Hot Chocolate
Oh, it’s cute. You know what’s not cute? Diabetes.
Perhaps this is where it all went wrong, when we forgot the meaning of the word “hubris” and cast our eyes down in shame at what we had made. Is it even the turducken’s fault or is it, like a demon bred of our own regrets, simply the product of a broken world?