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The 5 Fad Diets That Will Kill You (Maybe)

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By: Jonas Barnes

We all know “fad” diets and I’m here to tell you that they’re mostly shit.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but they are. Losing weight is a pain in the ass. It’s not easy. The secret to losing weight is realizing that it’s fucking difficult, takes time & effort and there is no such thing as a “miracle” diet. Are we clear on that? Put down your seaweed belly wrap, stop worshipping “The Biggest Loser” and read on. Take it from a guy that has lost weight more than once in his life and is currently doing it again.

I’ve been fat forever. I came into this world as a vertebrae shattering 11lb baby and never got a handle on it from there.

Via - Pinterest

A fat fucking baby. Via – Pinterest

I played football for years, have always been athletic and have the body size of an NFL lineman. Unfortunately, on top of those things, I also like shitty food because it tastes better than glorified grass. Throughout high school and a little after, I was a powerlifter as well, which led to my ever expanding body mass. Eventually, I stopped powerlifting because of injuries but kept eating the way a powerlifter would. That, as they say, is a big fucking problem.

I ballooned up to 400lbs of good old american morbid obesity. Fast forward some years later, I lost 120 lbs in a year (and I’m currently on the course to lose another 80 lbs by the end of the year). I did it by doing what you have to do to lose weight: I stopped eating garbage and I started moving my limbs in a forward motion until my heart rate reached a fat burning level.

That’s about it, in a nutshell. Unfortunately, you’ve been fed bullshit by the media, diet pill industry and fitness industry that would make you think that there is some fad diet that will make you miraculously go down a cup size in a week. And, while there are some diets that are legit, most of them are not only a bold faced lie, they’re actually dangerous as hell.

Here are 5 Fad Diets to avoid so that you don’t fall for the same mistakes I did when I failed so many times before.

A bad idea. Via - Pinterest

A bad idea. Via – Pinterest

1) Fasting

Stop this right now. You have to eat in order to sustainably lose weight if you’re already big. In fact, if you’re big and you’re exercising, you’d be amazed at how many calories you’re supposed to consume to lose weight. I worked with dietitians, nutritionists and doctors that I trusted and all of them said that I was supposed to be consuming at least 1,800 calories a day initially to have sustained weight loss. Good calories, mind you.

Not a couple of whoppers from Burger King. Shit, I want a whopper now. I’d stab someone for a whopper right now. Sorry…I got lost there for a second.

As I was saying, fasting is a bad idea for multiple reasons including: Slowing down your metabolism, tricking your brain into thinking you deserve garbage after a fast, craving fat filled sugary foods on the rebound, losing only water weight, shitty sleep, muscle loss and the fact that the lead singer of Coldplay told you to do it. Coldplay is the “Erectile Dysfunction” of rock bands.

Via - This site

Via – This site

2) Belly & Body Wraps

Listen to me right now. I know that you love your old high school friends and you want to help them earn money. I get it. I truly do. But if you believe that you’re going to lose actual weight by wrapping your stomach in one of these things, you’re hurting yourself by helping them. The whole idea behind these is that they help you detox and sweat out the toxins.

What they actually do is restrict your abdominal muscles and cause nothing but water weight loss.

They do absolutely nothing for any form of sustainable weight loss and they push your body fat into a fabric pillsbury biscuit dough tube. These are expensive, useless, snake oil products that have been proven to be shit over and over again.

A quick google search will see these pyramid schemes debunked left & right by reputable doctors & nutritionists. Here is one example from Dr. Bill Sukala from Australia.

3) The TeaTox

This is different from Juicing“, which we will get to later on. This is a product called “FitTea” that claims you can lose all kinds of weight, body fat & more in 28 days of drinking this shit. It’s become very popular in 2017 and Nicki Minaj & Kylie Jenner promote it, so it must be amazing.

Celebrities have never pushed shitty weight loss products. They would never do such a thing! They have integrity and would surely never lie to people for money! Jesus, I barely got that out of my face without throwing up. Anyway, this is a horrible idea. It tastes bad and it’s filled to the brim with various forms of caffeine & diuretic ingredients that only promote (yet again) water weight loss! You aren’t detoxing or losing body fat or “melting the fat away” or any of those other bullshit claims.

You’re sweating while avoiding exercise and suppressing your appetite so that you don’t eat, making you lose out on nutrients while also destroying muscle in the process.

Just drink actual herbal tea if you like tea and want health benefits, not this diarrhea tea.

Fresh vegetable juices on wooden table, on green background

The Juicing myth. Via – This site.

4) Juicing/Green Juice

Okay, some people are gonna hate me for this one. Let me explain what kind of juicing I’m talking about here before you beat me to death with your yoga mats. I’m talking about juicing for a week at a time in place of food.

I mean, if you like green juice for whatever reason (you don’t, stop lying) then by all means, have some during the week.

But I have bad news for you: When you pulverize the veggies that you’re juicing, you’re destroying a lot of the health benefits of them. You’re getting SOME nutrients out of it for sure but you’re literally removing over half of the benefits of the food when you do this. One reason fiber rich vegetables like asparagus, celery and kale work wonders on your insides is due to the actual fibers in the food. They’re tough to break down, so to speak, and aid in the digestion of other foods. It literally pushes the shit through your guts, for lack of a more glamorous term. Those poops that make you sweat and want to call a friend so you can brag? Yeah, those happen from the benefits of vegetables that didn’t get attacked by The Shredder. Eat your vegetables. Chew them into oblivion and swallow them like nature intended.

5) Low/No Carb Diets

This is a touchy one but I needed to list it because there is some confusion when it comes to carbs. There are shitty carbs (like sugary sodas and candies and pastries), starchy carbs (like potatoes, rice and bread) and carbs that aren’t bad (like sweet potatoes, brussels sprouts and cabbage).

Eliminating all carbs is literally the worst thing you can do. You’ll lose weight for sure but it will be temporary and will come back with the fire of 1,000 hells. You’ll have a cheat day and go fucking insane because it’ll be like giving a junkie just a little bit of heroin after they’ve quit. You won’t ruin your life and die alone in a seedy hotel room, but you get my point.

Sugar is still a powerful drug is what I’m trying to say. It’s not sustainable for the long term at all, either. And even low carb (below 60 mg a day) is bad, overall, unless your goal is to build all the muscle in the world in a short period of time. Same shit as no carb, the cravings will come and they will come back strong.

The hidden assassin is the sugar replacements that cause all sorts of issues.

They cause blood sugar issues, kidney and liver issues, stomach problems (Check out these legendary reviews of Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears for a glimpse into the horrors I speak of), and above all, your body isn’t meant to ingest this toxic garbage. It’s the same reason diet soda is just as bad, if not arguably worse, for you as regular soda.

So I guess what I am trying to tell everyone is stop trying to cut corners with your health. If you’re fat and it’s not some disorder, get up and move. Eat good food that isn’t processed with things you can’t pronounce or spell.

Do real research. The secret to reversing a lifetime of unhealthy habits is that it’s not fucking easy and you owe it to yourself to put in the work. In other words: There is no secret.

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1 Comment

  1. Stacey
    April 25, 2017 at 11:36 am

    This article has false information about fasting in it, please cite scientific resources when posting something like this. Here is a great ted talk explaining why