AdviceBushwickColumnsComedyComedyDeathDIYDrugsNew YorkNewsPoliticsSelf CareSex and DatingTrumpUnderground Clubs

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Exploit the Nuclear Threat To Get Laid!

Sign up for the best newsletter EVER!

GIRLS! / WOMEN! ?

Is there a guy (or girl) you have on your mind who you love having sex with, but for whatever reason you just haven’t been lately?

No matter what coast you live on (especially you LA vixens), USE THE NUCLEAR THREAT TO GET SOMEONE TO SLEEP WITH YOU!

There’s really no better moment in time to say #YOLO (without actually saying it because we’re #adults)

Text that guy (or girl):

Txt Message #1

Or “I want to make sure we get it on before they go off”(There are plenty of cheesy ways of making fun of imminent death!)

Because I’m generally morbid, I’ve given this topic A LOT of thought. Not only how I and other humans would react to a nuclear crisis scenario but to all kinds of life and death apocalyptic situations. I think it all started with my father. He’s the kind of guy who says things at a nice quiet public dinner like: “If we had to kill everyone in this room, where would you start?”

That gets the inquisitive mind of an eight-year-old rolling, and it has been ever since. So, say the nukes ARE launched, LA is hit. If you survive on the other side of the country, WHAT DO YOU DO?

Hug your mother or try heroin?

Would you just go about your day? Would sober people break their sobriety and have an all out day dedicated to Hunter S. Thompson? I suspect that most people would hide in their homes, holding their families and praying to invisible parental figures in the sky. I, on the other hand, would be living like there’s no tomorrow. Imagine all the underground raves and parties that would spring up with the threat of an imminent attack? Would the very last news headline of human existence be “Tinder has just crashed?”

IT MIGHT KICKASS. 

And the best part? If there is no second attack, we’ll all have to live with each other and make eye contact after probably having given our friends significant others a rim job.

It will be weird for a while, but at least we’ll be alive.

It might be a little like this scene from the (2000) film “Almost Famous”

Plus, doesn’t this whole situation feel kind of kitschy and vintage?

Maybe throw a retro 1950’s “Nuclear Threat” themed party with alcohol infused missile jello molds and a “bomb shelter” make out room. 

Then have a bomb threat and everyone has to duck and cover! What fun!

EXPLOIT THE NUCLEAR CRISIS TO GET LAID. IT’S THE AMERICAN ??  THING TO DO.

Scary nuclear winter - Via: Pinterest

Scary nuclear winter – Via: Pinterest

Just be sure to use protection because a nuclear winter pregnancy wouldn’t be fun. (And you might get eaten first.)

So, put on your fuck-me-pumps  ?   & show him this video. It should put any man in the mood.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

The Excelsior: San Francisco's Last Great Neighborhood

Next post

We wanna send you to see Okkervil River!


Lauryn Petrie - NYC Editor

Lauryn Petrie - NYC Editor

Lauryn Petrie is a reformed drug addict, ex-stripper, college drop out, and stand-up comedian. She currently resides in the NYC area taking odd jobs, writing, and telling jokes to drunks. You can follow her on Twitter @TheLaurynPetrie and follow her live shows here: http://laurynpetrie.com