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Top 10 things I enjoyed doing with your mom at BottleRock Music Festival 2017

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BottleRock 2017 is hands-down the best place for people to drink when they’re tired of drinking in their living room. It is the ultimate festival destination for moms and anybody else trying to get white girl wasted during the day. With a wide selection of red wine, white wine, and even beer, you’re bound to have a good time at this festival.

With three days to explore the festival grounds, you’ll quickly discover there is something for everyone. I had an amazing time, but I wanted to focus specifically on the top 10 things I witnessed while at BottleRock music festival 2017.

I went to the festival alone … but it’s ok, the festival was sold out and there were approximately 40,000 MILFs at BottleRock each of the 3 days. Everybody was great, but I especially had a great time drinking with your mom. Well … until she passed out at 3 PM in the afternoon, and missed the rest of the festival.

I’m glad you finally got to use that “AS SEEN ON TV” air couch you bought two years ago. It has been in your closet for a really long time, it’s great that you were able to break the seal and use it at BottleRock.

I’m thrilled that you brought a blanket to sit on. It just sucks that people wanted to stand and watch the show in front of and on all sides of you. On another note, who were those jerks that stepped on your blanket, RUDE!

It’s a good thing you were there to support your friend when her boyfriend wasn’t treating her right. I can’t believe he bought her Rosé instead of Zinfandel. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. (REAL ARGUMENT)

Glad your husband was able to watch the Giants game in the Coors Light Sports Bar at BottleRock, while you and all your friends were outside in the sun. It would have sucked if he missed one game.

Awesome that your friends could get a photo in that metal O. It’s just too bad you didn’t get the whole word. Perhaps people can just guess that it was taken in the hole of the O in the word LOVE!?

Glad you finally got to meet your hero Martha Stewart at the William Sonoma stage! Her and that white guy from Seattle that raps on the radio were pretty funny. However that young kid can’t cook, and he just doesn’t understand your Martha’s humor.

It’s been all business all year … It’s great that your friends finally got to relax, take off their shirts, and show their bods! That one guy just looked so hot … no like literally hot. A wolf hat in the Napa sun?

The view from the large screen in the food court was amazing. You got to watch that one band, eat grill cheese and didn’t have to stand with all the other drunk people. At times the sound from the actual stage even made it over the wall to where you were sitting … it sounded so real.

… oh yeah, before I forget … It was also pretty cool that your dad got to book the music at BottleRock on Saturday, Tom Petty was AMAZING. On the other hand, the young people really seemed to enjoy all the other bands like Modest Mouse, Maroon 5, Warren G, The Roots, and Foo Fighters. I guess it made nice background noise while you and all your girlfriends talked really loud.

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Stefan Aronsen

Stefan Aronsen

I am the co-founder of Balanced Breakfast, a meetup for music industry professionals. No, I do not sing or play any instruments ... but I have tried! My passion for music began at 7 when my parents bought me a drum set. I was BAD at drums. So I moved on, joined the school band, and played clarinet. I was BAD at the clarinet. Trying and failing at instruments continued through elementary school and into college. It turns out that while I could recognize good music; I lacked the skill to make it.

Now I'm broke, beautiful, and writing about music for Stuart...


  1. Mystical Cat
    May 30, 2017 at 9:18 am

    We listened to Modest Mouse’s Bottlerock set on SirusXMU and the mix was pretty terrible. Then we went to see Modest Mouse at the Masonic the following night, and again the mix was pretty terrible. So terrible, in fact, we left five songs in. One I can (almost) forgive, but two shitty mixes in a row? Time for them to find a new FOH engineer.

    • Stefan Aronsen
      May 30, 2017 at 12:40 pm

      Watching them live at BottleRock sounded pretty good … LAME that it wasn’t as good on SirusXMU. I found it interesting how many monitors Isaac Brock had around him. (Maybe 6) He wanted to sound super dialed … but it limited his ability to move around stage.

      • Mystical Cat
        May 30, 2017 at 1:30 pm

        The mix at the Masonic was just terrible. All those instruments on stage and not one of them equalized to sit properly among the others. It was a wall of convoluted, muddy sound.

  2. CheerTheGallows
    May 30, 2017 at 1:05 pm

    Hate to be hater, but this is one music festival I am definitely happy to miss. Even if an all-time favorite band were playing it I’d have to think long and hard about going because I imagine I would be so annoyed by the crowd with whom I would be forced to watch my favorite band.