AdviceArts and CultureNew York

A Relaxing Friday Night In


While living in NYC it can seem unnatural to stay in on a Friday night.  That particular transgression falls somewhere between uncool and downright unpatriotic.  After a particularly grueling week that left me wanting to hibernate, I decided to throw caution to the wind and'stay in my apartment this Friday night. I parked myself on the couch, turned on the TV and began indulging in part one of my relaxation extravaganza'a smorgasbord of epic proportions.  In addition to whatever I could find in my cabinet, I ate many of my favorites including cheese, cookie dough, ice cream and raw pine nuts.  Fully sated I lay like a beached whale, allowing the carbohydrates to work their soothing magic throughout my body.  Over the course of the evening the sounds of much cooler Billyburg revelers came floating up to my window.  Unfortunately, as the time passed, the revelers began to sound more like insane psychopaths slipping, tripping and slurring their way to the subway (hopefully).  Safe in my voyeuristic lair I enjoyed phase two: I watched a great deal of television.  As I watched, my relaxation became so absolute, my identification with the television world so complete that I began to want to inhabit those programs I was watching and a list was born.

Characters on TV with whom I would trade places.


Nanny Fine of '˜The Nanny’
I figure, if your voice is that annoying, nothing else must bother you.  In addition she ends up rich, finds love, has amazing (gravity defying!) hair and a bangin’ body.  She also beats out that annoying C. C. Babcock for the love of her employer- to '“ husband and has a good (if not complicated) relationship with her mother.  She lives out the quintessential fantasy of many a good babysitter gone bad.  Not too shabby for a woman from Flushing, Queens.

Pam of '˜The Office’
First of all, she gets Jim (finally!)  That is enough in itself.  But, in addition, I idolize Pam because she is soft spoken.  A quiet demeanor is simply something I have never been able to achieve.  For Pam, she parlays a good brain'“to'“mouth filter into mystery and charm.  Even oozing sweetness and honesty, she is the girl you love'.to love.  And tonight I desperately want to be that person.  She also types 90 words a minute.  Word!

Any of the ‘Golden Girls’
My passion for these ladies is boundless.  I can watch repeats till I know every syllable, every nuanced stare and inflection.  I love the many renditions of the theme music.  I love the way their shoes (especially Blanche’s mules) sound on the parquet floor.  More specifically, I would love to switch places with Sophia because she is wise, and ballsy and has those rad purses.  I would want to be Rose because she gets to tell all those long stories'and I like to tell stories.  I would like to be Blanche because she is slutty and I would like to be Dorothy because she has all those sequined, drapey jackets.  To the Golden Girls, thank you for being a friend


Jojo of '˜Supernanny’
Ok, so she is not technically a character' but she does wear a costume.  I would like to be the Supernanny because she never gets flustered.  She is always so in control.  She always has the right answers.  She is able to act like a kid as well as school parents into good behavior.  I would like to, just once, have that type of power over kids or adults or animals, plants'anything!  Knowing myself, experiencing that control would very easily go to my head.  I could picture myself very rapidly segueing from '˜naughty corner’ to '˜correctional facility’.  So maybe it is better, instead, to just be envious of her amazing accent.

I am now moving into phase three, a long and enjoyable sleep!  Good night!

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Pop-Up Wedding: Vegas Comes to San Francisco

Next post

Broke-Ass Porn: Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations

Christine Witmer - Sparing Stringer

Christine Witmer - Sparing Stringer

Christine was born and raised in the land of the Pilgrims, Plymouth, Massachusetts. She turned in her buckled shoes when she moved to NYC to attend NYU. From that esteemed University she received her BFA in theatre as well as a Master's Degree in Performance Studies in 2004.
Now an actor, writer and broke ass day-jobber, Christine juggles her many personas with the elegance of a red panda. specifically the one in the Prospect Park Zoo . . . soooooo cute! She can be found most often in her own habitat on the Northside of Williamsburg, Brooklyn.