You’re Hot And All, But I Think I Hate You
Don’t you fucking hate it when you meet someone gorgeous, and everything seems to be going okay so far: they don’t like The Dave Matthews Band, they have a reasonably respectable job, they’re not raging lunatics as far as any of your conversations have gone, but then all of a sudden, they say something totally awful or obnoxious that catches you off guard? Now what the hell are you supposed to do? Pretend like it never happened? Call them out on it? In the following list: I report, you decide. I guess I’ll decide too, actually…
* “Who’s Yeasayer?”
OK, just because you’ve never heard of my favorite band of recent years, doesn’t mean I should completely write you off altogether. Right? RIGHT?!?!
* “I’m not really attracted to black women, but I’m not racist or anything”
Like, really? You think all black women look the same to the point that you can actually say with confidence that you are categorically not attracted to them? How could I possibly have thought you’re racist? The “I’m not racist” bit really tipped me off. This is kind of like saying “Hey, you’re an ugly and horrible person. No offense!”. Also, if you replace “I’m not really attracted to black women” with “I’m mostly attracted to Asian women”, you’re actually still racist. Same with people that think all black dudes have large penises. Give it a fucking REST, you racist hack assholes.
* “Hey, wanna go blow some rails in the bathroom?”
Despite my own embarrassing past of acknowledging this as a red fucking flag, and then purposely ignoring it, to the rest of the breathing population of the world, it should be a no-brainer.
* “Women’s Studies? Is that like where you learn how to bake?”
For reals, this was actually said to me– surprise, surprise, in California. I believe I either walked away, or went into an epileptic seizure, I can’t recall exactly.
* “That Jeff Foxworthy sure is wholesome”
I guess I’m not sure what to do with that. First, I guess I’m to presume that wholesomeness is a quality that is supposed to be positive, right? Therefore, I can only conclude that you think Jeff Foxworthy is a positive part of pop culture as we know it. Thus, I must bid good day to you, sir.
* “LOL”
A friend of mine once stopped liking a guy entirely because of his overuse of “LOL” on IM. I think every once in a while is unpleasant, but there’s a certain point in which “LOL” after every sentence either you or I type becomes intolerable. Like, are you even listening anymore? Are you really that easily amused? I don’t know, and I don’t think I want to know.
* “Women can’t hurt me anymore”
I guess you must have just had your first and only experience in which your ego was trampled on? Welcome to middle school, pal, and thanks for visiting the life of Anna G. Hope y’all don’t come back now, ya hear?
* “Oh you live in Brooklyn? Never been. I guess I’ll have to get out there one of these days”
Or alternatively: “I rode the L train once, I think I’m a hipster now.” Really? People like you still exist? I guess there’s nothing to do but laugh and back away slowly.
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