The Best Ways To Spend Two Dollars

I have $2 in cash right now. That’s it. I have money in my savings, in case shit gets real, but as for budgeted money I can spend, TWO DOLLARS. I was thinking about this today and remembering past days when my number was in the negative. I’d have to scrape together owed money plus extra to actually put gas in my car or eat that day. So, today, this isn’t so bad. Plus, there are so many things that you can get with $2 or under! The money was burning a hole in my pocket, so I decided to online shop! I found so many great things!

1.  Flask Gift Box (Does Not Include Flask) – $1.63: This is kind of the equivalent of handing someone a condom and getting naked and then falling asleep, only with alcohol this time instead of sex. It’s the blue balls of potentially having fun. Think of all the places you could have potentially snuck alcohol into. Football games! Wedding Rehearsal Dinners! The dentist!
2. 20 – Save $1.50 on Stouffer’s TV Dinner Coupons – $2: Now, I am not a mathematician, but I know a deal when I see one. If you buy 20 dinners at $4.67 minus $1.50 then you will be obese in two months or less.
3. Pair of red stud men’s earrings – $.085: I can totally see my Dad wearing these… if he became a pimp. Or my Mom.
4. Sensual Massage Made Simple video Rental – $1.99: It would be worth $7 dollars to get your face to look like either of the people in this video.
5. Twine – Twine? Twine not.
6. Fanny Bank Funny Farting Coin Drop Bank – $10.49: I know this is way more than $2 but, guys! You put coins in the butt crack! You can’t put a price on being able to do that. You probably don’t have any coins lying around but I’m willing to bet you could get a paper clip in there without much effort.
7. Can of Hamm’s beer – $2: Hamm’s is like PBR’s less pretentious older cousin. Not nearly as annoying, a little better looking. It’s  a quieter and much less boastful version of PBR. Also, some Thoreau-esque poetry from the Hamm’s jingle: From across the rippling water, Through the whisp’ring pines and birches, Comes the beer refreshing, Hamm’s the beer refreshing.
8. A bus pass – $2: Just get on a bus and go wherever it’s going. Why not? Unless you live in Oakland where the bus is now $2.10. Undoubtedly a   evil ploy by “The Man” to keep us here. Whatever, we may not have the freedom to roam but the sun still shines and we have plenty of Hamm’s so, fuck you.

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