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Why it Might Actually be Preferable to Turn a “Ho” into a “Housewife”


Most of us have heard the dull and alliterative hip-hop proverb: you can’t turn a ho into a housewife. It’s a relatively new incarnation of a very old idea that probably comes from the Old Testament or some other terrible book. While the wording has changed throughout the years the essence of it remains constant—don’t invest yourself in sexually promiscuous women. I fully acknowledge that these references to women represent crude, misogynistic ideology but I’m attempting to examine this ridiculous concept from an amoral perspective and will not repeat my objections to the terminology. I recognize why many fall victim to such stupid belief, but I think it’s time for a reconsideration. I will go so far as to say not only can you turn a Ho into a Housewife, it can even be preferable.

The Ho is a woman with significant sexual experience. She’s had more partners than her admirer cares to contemplate. Maybe she has some regrets, maybe not. She’s been brought to toe-curling ecstasy and has probably done things she wouldn’t care to do again. She’s seen a diversity of penises; long and short, thick and skinny, fair and dark, various shapes.

For many men, this knowledge about the woman that they care about and wish to pursue, inspires a storm of gut-wrenching emotion. There’s the jealousy of imagining “his” woman with another man. There’s the insecurity of considering how he stacks up in comparison. There’s the apprehension that she will jump into bed with another on a whim. There’s a whisper, in the back of his mind, questioning her sexual health. He may even be pitiful enough to worry about what his friends and family may think. Although these emotions may seem instinctual they are simply the body’s physical reaction to this outdated way of thinking. A change in this thought process ought to change our emotional response.

The first thing that should probably be addressed are health concerns. This is usually the first and loudest demurral of people trying to diminish the so-called ho. It’s also the only one that’s actually a cause for concern. But it’s also a cause for concern among anyone who’s sexually active. Thanks to the tireless work of Margaret Sanger (Google her if you’re unfamiliar) this is no longer an insurmountable obstacle to a budding romance. Planned Parenthood and other like-minded organizations across the country offer STD testing at little or no cost. Regardless of what you know about someone’s sexual history it’s smart to have both you and your partner’s bill of health certified either way.

With legitimate fears dealt with we can now tackle the mental dysfunction of this philosophy. Why should it bother you to know that your sweetheart has enjoyed the company of more than a couple gentlemen? Is her inherent value inverse to the number of penises that have been inside her? If you care for her and feel the same from her, it’s just plain stupid to squander that relationship. Let’s face it, you’re not that great. There are not that many people out there whom you will love and feel reciprocation from. If your concern is with what your friends may say, then you probably don’t deserve love.

Trust issues are, to a varying degree, an aspect of almost every relationship. But a woman’s sex number is not a good indicator of her potential faithfulness. I believe only two factors lead to infidelity; a person’s predisposition to it, and an unquenched desire. So forget about who she’s slept with and get to know her. If you do have sex with her, make her cum. If you don’t know how, ask.

Hopefully by now, this asinine notion that the sexually uninhibited don’t make good mates, has been destroyed. As these anxieties melt away one very clear advantage emerges: experience. Practice makes perfect. Clichés are boring but they exist because they usually contain a kernel of truth. People who have more sex are usually better at it.

I will illustrate this point with personal experience. Years ago I dated a girl, who when we first became intimate, was atrocious at oral sex. Slowly and with gentle guidance, she became an absolute dynamo. Then we broke up. Now another man is enjoying her spine-tingling talents because she cut her teeth (sometimes, literally) on me. He never has to endure the toothy, shallow encounters that I experienced in those early days. He should know how lucky he is and not worry about why.

I’m not advocating going out and blindly finding a woman who has a lot of sex. My point is that a woman’s sexual history should be irrelevant if you care about her… And, that there is often excellence in experience.

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Kaetan Mazza - The Broke-Joke-Who-Enjoys-a-Midnight-Toke

Kaetan Mazza - The Broke-Joke-Who-Enjoys-a-Midnight-Toke

Kaetan Mazza currently resides on the couches of his friends, family and, sometimes in the beds of some very altruistic strangers, around the NYC metro area. He is motivated by publicly mocking and ridiculing himself and others. His literary heroes are Christopher Hitchens and Chelsea Handler.