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Which Golden State Warriors Have The Biggest D*cks? An Analysis

head_erAs the Warriors complete the greatest season ever in NBA history (73-9), one’s curiosity inevitably turns to which member of the Golden State Warriors squad has the biggest dick. We bust out the tape measure and size up the Warriors accordingly in the analysis below.

NOTE: This article is speculative. There was no way for the Broke-Ass-Team to be 100% sure which Warrior has the biggest dong, short of every Warrior actually showing us their Van Gundy standing at attention and allowing us to measure. The Warriors PR department would simply not allow that to happen.  Nonetheless, there are clues in the existing body of peer-reviewed research — and in each Warrior’s on-court play — that lend strong indications as to the dick size of each Golden State Warrior. Our findings and objective dick size rankings can be found below. 

5. HARRISON BARNES HAS THE 5TH BIGGEST DICK ON THE WARRIORS

23-year-old small forward Harrison Barnes single-handedly saved the Warriors from what would have been their most embarrassing loss of the season, so for that we will assign him a certain magnitude of dick size.

4. KLAY THOMPSON HAS THE 4TH BIGGEST DICK ON THE WARRIORS  

Co-Splash Brother Klay Thompson once scored an NBA record 37 points in a single quarter, so the man is clearly blessed with a dick of unusual and rather estimable size.

3. DRAYMOND GREEN HAS THE 3RD BIGGEST DICK ON THE WARRIORS

Power forward Draymond Green’s lack of composure in technical foul situations us makes frankly question his dick size. But his 6’7” height, enormous shoulder range and relentless generosity to Oakland youth establish him as having the likely third-biggest dick in the Warriors’ starting lineup.

2. ANDREW BOGUT HAS THE 2ND BIGGEST DICK ON THE WARRIORS

At a towering 7 feet, Andrew Bogut is the tallest starting Golden State Warrior. According to the peer-reviewed British Journal of Urology, there is indeed a correlation between a man’s height and his cock size. From this, we can infer that that the tallest Warrior does indeed have a formidably sized donger.

1. STEPH CURRY HAS THE BIGGEST DICK ON THE WARRIORS

Warriors point guard Stephen Curry has testicles the size of yoga balls, as clearly evidenced by his shooting from 40 feet —  40 feet! — with six-tenths of a second left in an overtime contest as seen above. With balls that big, the Baby-faced Assassin clearly has a dick the size of Contra Costa County.

For further evidence this man has more dick than every guy you’ve ever fucked/showered with combined, please take note of the highlight reel above.

HONORABLE MENTION: FINALS MVP (MOST VALUABLE PENIS) ANDRE IGUODALA

Shooting guard Andre Iguodala won the Most Valuable Penis award in last year’s NBA Finals, so we must include him on this “biggest dick” list.

Got an additional insight or piece of information on which Warrior has the biggest dick? Whip it out in the Comments section below!

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.