Five Ways To Throw Shade At Trump Tower Without Landing In Jail
By Jonas Barnes
I think that we, as a country, have hit the point where we can all agree that Donald Trump is pretty much a fuck up. I know that there may be some uncle fathers out there that piss red, white & blue who love the leather skinned President, but I’ll say the heavy majority aren’t pleased.
Unfortunately, as of this writing, he IS the POTUS and that means he has security and you have to tread lightly when you fuck with him. You can troll him on Twitter but you can only go so far. You can’t threaten him in any way and you can’t fuck with his family too much. He has secret service to change his diapers when he’s throwing a tantrum now. I live on the east coast, though, and I’m mere minutes from his home. The good ol’ Trump Tower, home of the self-proclaimed best “Taco Bowls” around, sits in Midtown Manhattan just waiting for someone to fuck with it. And here are five ways you can do just that without being arrested!
1: Let Your Dog Shit On The Property
Got a dog? Perfect. Does it take shits outside? Even more perfect. Do you dislike our current POTUS? The most perfect! Let’s combine all of these into a single, smelly act of shade throwing. Here’s how this works: You take your dog outside and walk them to Trump Tower. You walk them onto the property as far as you can until the security gives you shit then you back away just a couple feet. Your precious pooch does the “sniff & circle”, lifts the pump handle and lays out a little brown statement of defiance. Conveniently forget your poop bags and walk back home. It’s really as simple as that. Have your faithful companion drop a shit on Donnie T’s front porch since you legally can’t.
2: Show Them Your Tits!
Ladies, you have all the power on this one. In New York State, women are allowed to go topless. You may be saying “But Jonas, men love tits, why is this a ‘Fuck You’ to Trump?” and you’d be correct. We do, in fact, love tits. This is where you get creative with your tits, my fantastic female friends. Write some great facts on your lady parts, like his approval rating. Maybe some of his greatest hits on Twitter, perhaps? How about anything that’s written in period blood? The possibilities are endless and your boobs are the canvas.
3: Hold A Candlelight Vigil for America
We’re fucked! So let’s celebrate that fact by holding a candlelight vigil in honor of the slow death of our country. Currently, our “leader” is doing everything in his power to strip rights from people, fuck with countries that have nuclear weapons capabilities and antagonize North Fucking Korea. He’s also driving a huge tax cock right on up our most uncomfortable middle & lower class holes. Let him know that we are sad about our country dying and escalate it into a protest about how we won’t let it stand.
4: Read Mean Tweets
This one could actually be a lot of fun. You need an amp, a microphone, and access to Twitter. Find your most charismatic friend (unless it’s you) and stand out front reading “mean tweets to Trump” all day long! Extra points if you can get someone famous to help you. Extra points if you bring an HD projector and project the images of the tweets on the wall of the tower as you read them. Like a Bat signal, but for a bloated bag of discarded skin tags. Do not get Shia LaBeouf to help, though, he has some drinking issues right now and may get y’all arrested.
5: Send Them Dicks And Poop
Yes, you absolutely read that correctly. You can, in theory, mail bags of dicks and boxes of various animal shit to Trump Tower. Are any of these dicks and poop ever going to make it to him? I have no idea but if one…just a single box of gorilla shit…makes it to him, it’s all worth it. Oh to be a fly on the wall of his golden penthouse and watch his face as he opens the nicely wrapped present, only to find a pile of gorilla shit inside. I can always wish, can’t I?