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White Nationalists are Dumb, Weird, and Have No Style

By Hannah Harkness

Obviously, the worst thing about white nationalists is their racism and spread of hatred and violence. Feel free to read all of the think pieces and literature that has been written about them from WWII to present in regards to that. Today, however, I want to focus on something else: they’re fucking weird.

Once upon a time, Nazis were well-dressed men who usually spoke multiple languages and walked in tightly regimented formation. While they were horrible people committing genocide, they carried themselves like a normal military. This discipline was a part of their effectiveness and why they were feared and respected. I get that Nazis were actually government funded and a real military, but I don’t get why the current dudes somehow went from that perfectly solidly intimidating cultural model for fascism and started worshipping a frog and chugging milk like McPoyles.

Who made all of these calls? Why weren’t Doc Martens and military outfits not good enough? Was there a going out of business sale at a Sears outlet in West Virginia that prompted them all to go for Khakis and Polos?

I had no idea tiki torches had become a part of golfing

Amazon exists right now, you could literally bulk order any costume and yet you decided to go for this. Shit, a wife beater would be scarier than a polo and probably cost less. This is a costume you’d put on in a bad comedy sketch about nerds nervous around women, minus black frame glasses with tape in the center. How did no one among their ranks go “Hey guys, we look like a bunch of nerds?”. Like even if you’re heavily armed, you look like you’re going to LARP or shoot clay pigeons with your dad in that outfit. How do the Columbine school shooters look cooler than Nazis right now? Trench coats > khakis. Objectively this should be obvious. I understand that they don’t have government funding for fancy military outfits, but for Christ sake, the black bloc protestors look like ninjas. Side note, please remember, Antifa just means anti-fascist. Black bloc protesters are the people with the ski masks and the bad punching form. But I digress, you have to at least look cooler than the people who punch you in the face if you want anyone to respect you.

The Nazis had a black hawk as a symbol. That was cool. Nazis aren’t cool, but black hawks are cool. Who decided the Frog from 4chan was going to inspire respect or fear? It’s a Frog. Hawks eat frogs. And it’s named Pepe. That’s a French name. I feel like this is a group of people that would generally call the French pussies? Am I missing something?

Image via this site

Who decided Tiki torches are cool? I mean, this was probably a financial choice. A lot of basement dwellers in this crowd and a lot of dudes who lost their jobs for being Nazis.

But you know what is a low-cost option that doesn’t make you look like a bunch of idiots that raided a Party Store? MAKING REAL TORCHES. All you have to do to make a real torch is dip a stick with cloth wrapped around it in some kind of liquid fuel and light it. It lasts 20-60 minutes and looks 50x cooler and more terrifying. Look, an instructional cartoon on how to make a torch. (Granted this cartoon depicts a fella that looks like Indiana Jones and maybe they don’t want to copy a fictional character that fights Nazis.) But how many memes would they have saved themselves from if they just wrapped those dumb polo shirts around sticks and dipped them in gasoline and lit them on fire and marched in wife beaters? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE CLOWNS? Don’t they sit in the basement and watch movies and old Nazi newsreels? How hard is it to make yourself look scary?

Milk. Why. It’s summer right now. I seriously have trouble thinking of drinks outside of shit marketed specifically to children like juice boxes that would make you look less weak than milk. I get that you need the Vitamin D because you don’t go out in the sun that much, but it looks dumb and gross.

I’m not even going to get started on their websites because Broke Ass Stuart already published an article on this, but the majority look like Angelfire and Geocities smoked crack before fucking on a deep web server and had a baby. Come on, guys. You spend all your time on the internet photo shopping memes. Somebody among your ranks has to be able to produce a nice looking website.

But you know what, keep making weird dweeby cultural choices. Go ahead. The crappier you look, the less seriously we’ll take you. Go forth, GAP soldiers. Make it easy for us to make you the laughingstock of the country. We all know you suck no matter what.

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