12 Reasons You Should NOT Support Broke-Ass Stuart Ever
This post is sponsored by Citizens Against Broke-Ass Stuart.
Apparently Broke-Ass Stuart has started a Patreon page so that the website can be sustainable, and so he pay his writers better, keep supporting progressive causes, and continue creating what he calls “dope shit”. We hear he’s even giving out “rad perks” to those who support. We at Citizens Against Broke-Ass Stuart don’t think you should give $6 a month to this so called Patreon page, so we created this list explaining why:
1. You hate fun things: Broke-Ass Stuart has been helping people of all tax brackets find amazing things to do for over 13 years. You hate fun don’t you? Don’t support him.
2. You support Donald Trump: Broke-Ass Stuart has been a vocal detractor of Donald Trump since the very beginning of his campaign. He makes fun of him on social media constantly and even sells shirts with Trump’s likeness that say “Fuck this Asshole” and he donates 1/3 of the profits to Planned Parenthood. Gross!
3. You hate good writing: Stuart has written for everyone from Lonely Planet to the SF Examiner to The Bold Italic. Many of his best pieces have been sold to other publications though. Raising this money will allow him to publish his own best work. Trust me, you don’t want that. Keep your money.
4. You like evictions: Stuart has been an advocate of renters rights and affordable housing since…well forever. He’s even publishing a column now called Ask a Tenant’s Rights Lawyer. If you think SF should only be a playground for the filthy rich then save your money.
5. You’re against social justice: Stuart is pinko-socialist bastard. He believes in evil things like universal healthcare, racial justice, and marriage equality. And he even writes about that kind of stuff. And gives away shirts with Colin Kaepernick on them. He also gets the word out about important protests the happen in The Bay Area. Don’t contribute to this kind of thing.
6. You hate cute animals: Yeah, fuck those guys.
7. You hate women: Stuart’s website constantly promotes things like feminism and gives horrendous tips like what you can do if you see a woman being harassed on the street. Who needs that kind of crap?
8. You think laughing is the worst: Broke-Ass Stuart constantly writes and publishes hilarious articles like Oscar the Grouch Evicted from SF Trashcan, Moves to Oakland Dumpster, The Salesforce Tower Looks Like a Giant Butt Plug, and How to Pick Up Women in San Francisco. If you’re like us, laughing hurts your face. Don’t do it.
9. You hate sex: Gross right? Who wants to read about sex? It should only be done for procreation, in the dark, with a single life-time partner, and in the Missionary position. Well Stuart’s website not only has a popular Sex & Dating column it also reports on things like polyamory and sex parties. I guess it’s called “sex-positive” or something.
10. You think art is for losers: Stuart champions art and artists, giving musicians and other people who create things a place to shine. He also has a contributor named P Segal who writes about what it was like living in SF back in the day and creating such artsy-fartsy things as Burning Man. Art is for losers.
11. You hate travel: America is #1 right? Yeah, we agree. That’s why we think its stupid that Stuart and his contributors write about “amazing things” in such ridiculous places as Spain, Australia, Japan, Italy, Argentina and more. Why would you want to go traveling?
12. Because you want to see the little guy fail: Stuart represents the little guy. He has no corporate backing, no venture capital, and has achieved everything through hard work and hustling. He is not beholden to anyone and because of this he can write and publish anything he wants without worrying about getting shut down or censored. And that is a dangerous thing.
So if you feel the same as we do about the things mentioned above, DO NOT, under any circumstances become a patron of Broke-Ass Stuart’s Patreon. If you do, may god have mercy on your soul…or at least may your landlord evict you quickly.