Father’s Day Broke-Ass Gift Solutions
If you’re like me, your dad is dead so you’re off the hook this Father’s Day. But if you’re like everyone else, you’ve waited to the very last minute to get your dad a gift, and you’re broke as shit to boot.
Relax.
You don’t need something fancy from Ten Gifts for the Bike Messenger Father with Sleeves and Stretched Earlobes! Or the Must-Have Gifts for the Father Who Had You at Age 72! And definitely not anything from the What to Get the Stepfather You Still Bring Up In Therapy! gift guide. Jesus.
Fathers are simple. They want to be happy and relaxed. So here’s what you do:
Money. Dad has car payments. A mortgage. Credit cards. A secret family in Mendocino. What he probably wants, more than you even realize, is money. But you don’t have money, you’re broke.
Broke-Ass Gift Solution: Scratchers lottery tickets from the corner store. (Or fake lottery tickets, if you’re a dick.) They’re fun, cheap, and might even pay out. Unlike you.
Booze. Unless he’s on dialysis or in recovery, your dad deserves a drink. Or seven. He works hard, and wants to kick back.
Broke-Ass Gift Solution: A tall boy, in the fridge with a bow. It may seem small, but he’ll definitely use it. Unlike that bargain basement tie you gave him last year.
Under 21 Broke-Ass Gift Solution: Beer koozie. Boom.
Peace and quiet. Your dad is tired. He goes to bed late, wakes up early, and works all day long. Why? Because he loves you.
But sometimes you can be a little much. With the hollering, the whining, the jabbering. And the endless questions. It’s like, hey, can a guy get some peace and fucking quiet already?
Don’t make him ask for it today. Not on Father’s Day.
Broke-Ass Gift Solution: Take a piece of paper, write the words GOOD FOR TWO HOURS OF PEACE AND QUIET, and wrap it in a gift box. And when the time comes, you honor it.
A day off. Your dad used to have a life before you came along. He used to party til 4:00 AM on Saturdays and then turn up to the bar again Sunday morning to watch football all day with his buddies. He drove across the country one summer in high school following Phish. And again in college. Twice. The point is, dad used to rage.
Now he goes to work and comes home. And sometimes goes to the grocery store. It’s boring, but he loves you. And you love him, so why don’t you give him 12 hours off to do whatever he wants. Everyone wins.
Broke-Ass Gift Solution: Make plans for everyone in your household to go out on a day trip. Leave Dad at home. All day. By himself. And don’t come home until those 12 hours are over. Trust me, this will be the best day he’s had in a while.
A happy family. Bottom line, if he’s not a total dirtbag, your dad just wants you to be happy and healthy. So the best gift you can give him is to be the best version of yourself. But since that can’t technically be given as a gift per se, you’ll have to figure something out.
Broke-Ass Gift Solution: Take a selfie and put it in a frame. Maybe he’ll put it on his desk at his shit job.
Oh, and don’t forget the card. Gift card rule of thumb is the cheaper the gift, the more personalized and heartfelt the card needs to be. Which is why I wrote this for you: Dad, I don’t say it enough, but you’re the best. And I know that because no part of me even remotely wants to be a stripper.
Trust me, it’ll kill.
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