Broke-Ass New Year’s Resolution: Living in the Gym
I always hate going to the gym in January. It’s like everybody and their mom is trying to fulfill their New Year’s resolution to work out more. You have to wait in line to use the elliptical machine because some sweaty person is trying to figure out how to make it work. All the lockers are full and everything is just all hectic.
But, since you’re pretty broke yourself, you too will join the gym at the beginning of the year because there are usually special offers that give you an entire year’s membership for way cheap. And if you are a TRUE broke-ass, you will just say fuck it and sell all of your belongings, move out of your apartment and just live at the gym. I mean if you are smart about it, you can join a 24-Hour Fitness for $35 bucks a month, which will give you access to all of their facilities in the entire country. Think about it, for just $35, you could technically travel the 50 states, get in really good shape, get hot showers at all hours of the day. Sleeping might be an issue – but I’m sure if you just passed out on a stationary bike in the middle of the night, nobody would even notice you.
Follow these tips for living in the gym. Wait, I found this amazingly ridiculous video by some Norwegian band to get you inspired. Surprisingly enough, the title of the song is Living in the Gym.
1. Sell all of your belonging.
2. Move out of your apartment.
3. Sell your car.
4. Buy a membership to 24-Hour Fitness (make sure it is the one you can use all of their facilities.)
5. Buy some work out clothes and running shoes.
6. Buy a backpack and fill it with your favorite five outfits, a towel (that you can hopefully steal from the gym) some granola bars, socks, underwear and your i-pod.
7. Buy a good lock. Those lockers will be guarding your life.
8. Choose a destination that has several 24-Hour-Fitness centers in it.
9. You can choose to walk, bike, hitch hike or bus it to the gym of your choice.
10. Workout. Use the machines, lift weights, take classes, stretch, etc.
11. Shower when you need to.
12. Have sex when you need to – if you can find someone pervy enough to bone down in the sauna at 3 a.m.
13. Sleep in hallways where you can pretend you are stretching, or on equipment where no one will suspect you of sleeping.
14. Make friends with the employees so they give you FREE training tips.
15. Leave your belongings in the locker and come and go as you please. Go scrounge around town for some cheap food and get some fresh air. You can always go crash out in a park outside if sleeping indoors on a yoga mat doesn’t cut it for you.
16. Flirt with the cafe workers if there is a cafe in your gym. You may score FREE smoothies.
17. Make friends with other people you work out with – maybe they will invite you over for dinner.
18. Once people start to get suspicious of you lingering for too long, move on to the next gym in town. Or, if there are several in one city – just hop around all day and no one will notice you.
19. Change cities when you feel like it. Technically, you could go cross-country with this scam.
20. If you start to doubt why you gave up all your shit to live in the gym, just remember, you’ll end up rent-free as well as fat-free!