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Regal Battery Park- The Best Movie Theater to Give Head In

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One time I went down on a guy during a matinee of ‘The Queen’ at the Angelika. Fittingly enough, he came out to me a year after. We went out only a few times before he left for a tour of Asia in 2006; we  had a coffee the following spring wherein he shared the revelation about his sexuality, which came about doing lines off of a young man’s torso in Malaysia. No matter, I look on that matinee fondly,  part of a furious rebounding period with bartenders, illiterate drummers and apparently one sweet-faced homosexual. I offer this anecdote to you not as a shame-faced memoir but as this week’s ‘Where to’ idea, specifically ‘The Best Movie Theater to Give Head In’.  Because if me and Helen Mirren could get a gay dude off, imagine the possibilities for two people with actual mutual sexual interest?!

It is in your man’s best interest to take you to Regal Battery Park Stadium 11,  in the Mordor of the West Side. Because of its remote location, off-putting design and its labyrinthine structure of escalators and corridors, nobody ever goes there.  And this is the formula for discreet head AND movie hopping, hand in sticky hand, all day long.
Take the 1 train to the eerie desert of something called North End Avenue. Where the fuck is that, right! I only sorta know. But please trust me, it exists, and its worth the semi-treacherous walk across West Street, through the appropriately named Pumphouse Park  or going around that weird shopping complex. However you go, you’re going to get lost on the way there but THAT IS THE POINT. Many will get exasperated, miss the previews and just visit Ground Zero. Not you. Having left 15 minutes early, you’ll soldier into the confusingly inlaid entrance to Stadium 11 because even though its not Thursday or his birthday, you owe your man. Ya nasties.

What you’ll get once you’re in:

  • A theater entirely to yourself because, again, no one else bothered going there. Your fella can bust a nut all over your Milk Duds in elegant and total privacy.  And curate the afternoon accordingly- Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’s general aesthetic is gloomy, boo-hoo Cold War mustards and nasty glares.  Its depressing. Enliven your date’s experience by ducking your head under his coat.
  • There’s at least 5 other movies you can sneak into, because the closest thing to security they have is a 6 foot cardboard Ryan Gosling in Drive.
  • Always weird semi-blockbusters to get you in the mood, like The Iron Lady (judging only from my success at a movie about Her Royal Highness II, but me blowing a gay dude isn’t the most successful date model to follow).
  • As its under constant renovation, you can escalate the action in drafty black hallways behind opaque tarps, coughing plaster as testament to how stank you are.

I’m sensitive to the inequity, of course, of leaving the theater with only 50% of you satisfied. Therefore, consider cinema foreplay and fuck on a rock at the quiet Irish Hunger Memorial afterwards. Cool down/speed up with a triple espresso gelato at nearby Ciao Bella in case you want to go again.

My only disclaimer- Please be cautious when making a move during Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (12:00, 3:20, 6:50, 10:20) because he might get the wrong idea as to what you’re into. As for Beauty and the Beast in 3D (12:00‎  ‎2:25‎  ‎4:50‎, 7:20, 9:45), you’re on your own. Freak.

oh, the possibilities

Regal Battery Park Stadium 11   
Financial District
102 North End Ave. (yeah I really have no idea either)
New York, NY 10281
(212) 945-4370


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Nadine Friedman - Vice President of Snark

Nadine Friedman - Vice President of Snark

Nadine is a writer and photographer... so she is a bartender. Her focus is on compelling social issues, with a background directing award-winning, politically relevant theatre ( that's how you spell it when you win awards). She lives in Brooklyn, where its ok to yell at inanimate objects in the bike lane, practice one's headstand with faux modesty in public parks, pay $70 for a three foot Christmas tree and do juice diets under the pretense that it's for detox and not rapid weight loss. She loves her boyfriend, her tweezers, Amtrak and Fage yogurt.

1 Comment

  1. Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap
    January 23, 2012 at 5:00 pm — Reply

    This is awesome!!!!

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