What Would You Do With A Bunch Of Money?

Updated: Jul 31, 2012 00:05
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I’ve been thinking lately about what it means to have a lot of money. I am not a money-driven person so I am unsure of why people strive so hard to obtain it. I, instead, am a work-driven person. I thrive on achieving and growing as a person way more than having a new car or items that need remote controls to work them. I don’t want a big house. I guess if I had one, I’d fill it with every asshole I know. We could live communally for as long as we could stand each other. Having a hot tub sounds pretty sexy. I don’t really want to clean the bodily fluids of the above-mentioned jerks out of it though. I also don’t want my friends/family mating to create some twerpy baby that smokes a bunch of pot and puts it’s tiny but surprisingly dirty baby feet on all the furniture.
All of my basic needs are met, what could I need more money for? After a bit of reflection, It turns out there are a few things I’d want:

1. A nice living space: I am thankful daily that I have a roof over my head. It is clean and warm and I am not living in a dumpster. This point is really drilled into my brain often since there is a dumpster outside of my window and people are living in it. I guess I don’t mind, really. Except that I have to hear them all night (our heads are kind of touching through a wall) and they pee and poop under my window sill. That’s not so great. I’m thrilled to be in here and not out there. It would be nice to live somewhere where wearing flip-flops outside wasn’t not put in the same high-risk category with drunk driving or enrolling your child at Penn State. The only thing worse than stepping in dog poop is the moment you realize it’s not dog poop.

2. Good underwear: In Victoria’s Secret catalogs, not only are the girls incredibly skinny and pretty but their underwear always matches. I am baffled at how this happens. I have never had a matching underwear and bra set in my life. Maybe once, when I got my first training bra set at fifteen (late but worth the wait?). I really feel like my life would change if when I opened my undie drawer I had silky and lacy drawls.  At the very least I’d like to own underwear that is still held up by its own elastic and not the belt on my pants. And to be rich enough to not refer to my underwear as “drawls.”

3. Vacations: I never, ever go on vacations. Ever. I can really only afford my twice yearly trips home. It would be great to go somewhere for a vacation that didn’t involve stressfully cramming as many friend and family visits as possible into the span of four days. Somewhere in between these trips I forget that Seattle is not California so I’m usually ill prepared and freezing. I don’t need to summer in the South of France. I would be stoked to go to Mexico for half a week. I hear nearby Napa is nice. Too bad I’ve never been there because it turns out 7-11 wine is $4 and I don’t need to rent a car to get there.

4. Sharing money: I would be overjoyed to be able to give some people I know money. Not the deadbeats (most of them), but those few people I know who would really appreciate it and spend it wisely. Just so we’re clear, by wisely I mean spend it on trips to visit me.

5. Sex change and maybe second sex change: I spend a lot of time wondering what my life would be like if I were a boy. Besides looking womanly, I feel like a man much of the time. I don’t know how to explain this. It’s not so much I want to do anything about it but enough that I think about all the fancy things I’d stick my wiener in, if I had one. I would just be a rad dude for a few weeks at a time. No, seriously. I’d kill it. Then, ideally, I’d change back into a girl.

That’s pretty much it. I don’t anticipate being rich soon. Thinking about it kind of makes you take a personal inventory and find out where your priorities are. I know you’re thinking bigger. What would you get if you had enough money to get whatever you wanted?

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Donna Rose - Bankrupt Blonde

Donna Rose - Bankrupt Blonde

DR has maintained at or just below poverty level her entire life. She lives in Oakland with her imaginary pet cat, Joel.

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