AdviceArts and CultureDIYFinanceShopping, Style and Beauty

How to get your dream job through forgery

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news


I like danger and anything I can’t have.

My favorite crime is forgery.  It’s a neglected art that we’re taught to be ashamed of.  Before I tutor your first session, here are a few guidelines:

The Rules of Forgery.

1st RULE: You do not talk about FORGERY.
2nd RULE:  You DO NOT talk about FORGERY.
3rd RULE:  Forgery will go on as long as it has to.

Lesson One:  How to obtain your dream job with a prepaid cell phone and letterhead paper.

  1. Research careers across the world.  Don’t limit yourself to the United States.  If you find a desirable position abroad, U.S. transcripts are more difficult for a prospective employer to verify.  Time change coupled with diverse cultural traditions means businesses are never open at the same hours and no one cares.
  2. Buy the cheapest prepaid cell phone.
  3. Call Human Resources at a competitive business in your field and listen to the voice mail message.  Set up the voice mail on your new prepaid cellphone to strongly imitate this message.
  4. If a recruiter calls the prepaid cellphone, don’t answer and don’t panic.  Nobody talks to a person these days. Have a conversation scripted out for your return call.  You are “your boss” and nobody knows you better than yourself.  Bosses aren’t English majors or even good conversationalists.  There’s no scripted replies of upper management.
  5. References.  Forge “company letterhead” by entering some clip art into your header.  Hand out three letterhead copies to three friends and tell them each to write a paragraph about how great you are.  Each copy has different handwriting so that it’s more believable.  A friend helps you get a job.  A good friend helps you forge a Fortune 500 Company.
  6. Apply to jobs.  Leave the phone number of your prepaid cellphone as the contact number at your last job that you were irreplaceable.
  7. Collect your acceptance letters.

The above principles can be applied to a job in the service industry to a career in a regulated healthcare profession. Trust me.  Don’t fret over getting audited.  Current business culture reflects emphasis on boasting and expanding rather than ensuring quality or research and development.

If history repeats itself and everything has been done before, those capable of forgery are the pioneers of the future.

Now, why didn’t they teach us this in school?

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Color Me Blank: Self-Labeling in times of Neo-Liberalism

Next post

I Asked People on Facebook Where the Worst Place They Pooped Was...The Answers are Amazing.

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.

No Comment

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published.