5 Cartoon Villains that Would Be Less Frightening Presidents than Trump
by Ben Mangelsdorf
Look, these are strange times. Your grandma just requested to follow you on Instagram, the social media platform where you post videos of your friends vomiting and share videos of people with domesticated squirrels as pets.
You’re trying to figure out how to schedule your own dentist appointment, you’re trying to figure out how to switch out a headlight on your car that hasn’t been manufactured in ten years, you’re trying to figure out what TikTok is.
Things are weird. But somehow, after nearly a full presidential term, the weirdest part about modern day America is still that our president is a reality TV star with some worrying symptoms of dementia. As we wait to see who our next commander-in-chief will be, I think it’s a perfect time to take a moment and reflect on a couple possible candidates that would be far less frightening options than Donald Trump.
Sheldon J. Plankton
Anyone who’s ever seen an episode of the classic Spongebob Squarepants knows Plankton, but here’s the rundown for those that pulled a Patrick and slept under a rock through the early 2000s: Plankton is a failed restaurateur that is doomed to forever live in the shadow of his rival, Mr. Krabs. He spends his days plotting how to wrestle the Krabby Patty secret formula from Krabs’ clutches, and also dabbles in some general evil and misbehaving along the way.
To be clear, Plankton would be a terrible president of the United States. The guy is definitely evil, and to top that off he’s petty, jealous, and never able to accomplish any of his goals. Plus, there are the logistics of his size to be overcome, but we’ll leave that discussion for another day.
In his defense, Plankton lays claim to something Donald Trump does not have: an acceptable amount of intelligence. He may not be the smartest guy around, but he was bright enough to build himself a computer wife, Karen. Disregarding the incel implications of that, we can’t ignore his mechanical engineering prowess. Plankton’s gotta be at least somewhat smart. Also, I don’t think he would make any foreign policy decisions that result in genocide of the Kurds.
You may look at Mr. Burns and think that he’s not all that different from Donald Trump. He’s an old, spoiled rich businessman with little regard for the proletariat, whether it’s releasing the hounds or hitting Bart with his car and suggesting a nickel as a remedy. He’s used his money to get out of some sticky situations, just like Donald. We even see some moments of him being genuinely creepy, though not quite as far as to suggest a “grab them by the pussy” moment.
Yet, I think Mr. Burns would make for a much more successful president than Trump. Smithers could be our reasonable person on the inside, and would be able to tone down his boss’s more diabolical schemes… maybe even guiding him towards some more humanitarian policies (and something tells me Smithers wouldn’t be down with dismantling LGBTQ rights)? Also, though it isn’t much, Burns has at least accepted that he’s bald. He has that bare minimum level of self-acceptance and self-awareness.
I’ll admit it, I don’t the Elmer is going to be particularly helpful when it comes to dealing with the NRA and reducing gun violence in America. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the guy NOT holding a gun. The State of the Union is also going to be weird as hell with the hunter’s trademark baby talk… but somehow I still think he’d give the office more dignity than Trump. Sure, we’ll have to tolerate hearing Kim Jong Un get called “wascawwy” and a first lady that is without a doubt 100% a rabbit in lipstick, but I’ll take that over refugees in cages.
I’m not saying I’d definitely vote for HIM, but I’m saying I’d consider it. Yes, he’s completely evil and largely thought to be a cartoon personification of the devil with a laundry list of demonic powers, but an America led by a crossdressing, flamboyant demon just sounds so badass. If we are gonna have a demon in office no matter what, at least let them look as good as HIM. I would also argue that his subversion of gender presentation could set a good precedent for the country, but I digress.
The Monster from Underneath Chuckie’s Bed in That One Episode of Rugrats
Guys, really, he’d be a fine option. Just please don’t give us Trump again.