Broke-Ass of the Week

Broke-Ass of the Week – Kevin Montgomery of Mission Mission

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Every week we feature a different person from the community shedding a little light on their life of brokeitude.  Who knows, maybe you’ll learn something about the human spirit'probably not.

Wanna be a Broke-Ass of the Week?  Holler at us here and we’ll send you the questionnaire.

I first became aware of Kevin a few months back when Allan fled the country because of legal troubles (ok actually I think he went on vacation), and Mr. Montgomery here was left in charge of Mission Mission.  Ever since then he’s been a regular contributor over at San Francisco’s Best Neighborhood blog.

What’s funny is that he turned his answers into me a few months back, and yet with references to US health care and Kanye West, it seem like he wrote them yesterday.  So now I’m pretty convinced that Kevin is a psychic.  Either that or our health care system has been fucked forever and Kanye has always been an asshole.  I’m going with psychic.

Name: Kevin Montgomery

Age: 25

Occupation: I supposedly do web-design and some programming, but I find myself blogging and writing more-and-more.  It’s the pits.

What neighborhood do you live in?: My mailing address says 94110 but my driver’s license says 01012.  I’ve noticed this makes the police very confused when I get pulled over for having a car that barely functions.

Best money saving tip: Buy a Saab instead of a Porsche.  Besides, they get better gas milage and we all know how good that makes you look.

What do you refuse to spend money on?: My roommate’s food and my neighbor’s wireless (thanks “jane”!).

Most expensive thing you’ve ever bought: Three years and a piece of paper from Brandeis University.  That shit set me back a solid $70k.  I swear, they should have a common-sense test that you have to pass before they allow you to go to college.

How’d that feel?: Horrible.  My mother guilt-tripped me into going to graduation: “we didn’t send you to college to not see you graduate!”  “But you didn’t send me to college…” “Well, I co-signed all those goddamn loans and your grandmother bought you a laptop after you went a semester without a functioning computer, so shut up and go.”

My family took me out for brunch afterwards though.  I love free food.

Favorite cheap eat: Bender’s.  It’s like Weird Fish, just without all the people that read the New York Time’s travel section and with beer that you actually want to drink.

Favorite dive bar: Bender’s if I’m in SF, People’s Republik if I’m back in Boston, and Pop’s if it is Sunday.  Seriously, Pop’s on Sunday is the best.  Have you ever brought St. Francis milkshakes into a bar before, had it “made happy” by a bartender and then proceeded to watch “Babe” on VHS?  It’s amazing.

Best deal you’ve ever gotten: In September of 2007, I went to fine state of Baja California Sur, Mexico with some coworkers of mine.  Not Cabo, but some dusty one-road surfer town called “La Ventana.”  Anyways, after two days of being there and a day before Hurricane Henriette made landfall (who the hell goes to Mexico during a tropical storm warning anyways?), I somehow managed to get dysentery and, after puking 15 times in a morning, it was deemed to be a good idea to locate a doctor.  Of course, the “doctor” is not a doctor but a 23-year-old med. student spending a semester doing state-mandated rural volunteer work.  The clinic is merely a cement shack that acts as a hospital, pharmacy, and temporary residence for the town doctor.  When I am introduced to the doctor-in-training, he is playing FIFA Soccer on the Playstation 2 in the clinic’s entryway while sucking down a cigarette in spite of the “No Fumar” signs all over the place.  After 15-minutes of a broken English/Spanish conversation, I get a series of 3 IVs stuck into my arm, a bunch of shots (I still have no idea, to this day, that they were), and a 5-hour nap in a hospital bed.  When it was all said and done, I walked out of the clinic with all the previously mentioned service and a week’s worth of prescriptions (which I could not identify but I assume were antibiotics) for less than $20 USD.  I was able to get the bill down a little by giving the doctor two packs of Marlboros off-the-record. Bonus points: most of the trip was paid for by work.

Oh yeah, once I found a $2,500 Trek Project One road-bike frame while dumpster diving.  I got 2 years out of that frame until someone stole it.  Not exactly a “deal,” but whatever.

Favorite free thing to do: Getting rejected by cute girls in Dolores Park.  I live for awkward situations.

If you woke up a millionaire, what’s the first thing you’d buy?: $500,000 in “safe” stocks and a Chingy CD.  The other $499,987 would be squandered away on a thrilling combination of seitan, Natty Light, and bike parts.

Despite not having money, do you still love your life?: Like Kayne West loves himself.

Do you own my book?: No, but can I download it illegally?

Best hangover cure: Shut your mouth and deal with it.

Are you a hipster?: I’d like to think I’m not, but my collection of ironic tshirts suggests otherwise.
ALSO, while writing this, I totally found a $5 gift card in the box of cereal I was eating.  Fuck ya!

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.


  1. bb
    September 17, 2009 at 5:32 pm — Reply

    That was funny!! I like this section.

  2. September 18, 2009 at 12:24 am — Reply

    […] to Kevin Montgomery of Mission Mission for being Broke Ass Stuart’s Broke Ass of the Week. And is apparently […]

  3. September 18, 2009 at 12:28 am — Reply

    Wait, what’s ironic about the Ron Paul shirt?

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