An Ode to Guys with Potbellies
Straight ladies and gay gents: think about what makes a man attractive to you. Is he passionate about life? Does he respect you? Does he make you laugh, and make you think about deep, philosophical shit? If you got knocked up and had a baby, would you not mind that your spawn will share genes with him? Now think about what makes him physically attractive. To each their own, but some people like a “Tall Drink of Water,” strong workman’s hands, or a crooked Adrien Brody nose. Me– I like a dude with a potbelly.
Potbellies are a popular chain of sandwich shops, and a really cute breed of pig which George Clooney owns as a pet. Potbellies are also the small bulge that creeps over a man’s belt buckle, usually brought on by years of excessive beer drinking, or a few too many Pringles during a Battlestar Galactica marathon. Sometimes, they just come with the way the guy is built. Whatever the case, potbellies are pretty much the most adorable thing ever.
There are many reasons why I love man with a little cushion, first and foremost that a belly is just that– a cushion. Nothing beats cuddling up on a lazy Sunday, watching a bootleg version of Disney’s Aladdin that you begged your man to download for the past month so that you could sing along to all of the songs and swoon when Steve from Full House holds out his hand and says, “Do you trust me?!” (this scenario may or may not be inspired by personal experience). As you’re under the covers and crooning an off-key rendition of “A Whole New World” into your guy’s ear, who would you rather be spooning– a warm, snuggly man who doesn’t mind your love animated movies, or one of those oiled up beefcakes who could double as a model in a Grindr ad? Zach Galifianakis or The Situation? Benjamin Franklin or Arnold Schwarzenegger? I think we’d all choose Ben Franklin on this one. Those bifocals– and, of course, that portly physique– were irresistible.
Another incredibly selfish reason why I like guys with a touch of padding is that I don’t like feeling self-conscious about my own appearance. I mean, I honestly live off of a diet of burritos, slutty ice cream flavors, and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos– I may be skinny now, but my beach body ain’t gonna last forever. If I balloon up in my old age– or even now when I just want to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for dinner– I don’t want to have to justify every spoonful of frozen dessert I put into my mouth to my Classical Greek statue of a boy toy. Girls just wanna have fun, and sometimes they wanna have fun by overeating food that’s bad for them. If I’m with a guy who has a “real,” “imperfect” body, then I don’t feel as pressured to look like Gisele Bundchen or Lauren Conrad or whoever Us Weekly is telling Middle American suburban ladies they should want to be these days. Real women (and men!) have curves! I learned it from a C-list movie starring America Ferrera.
Not only are potbellies totally cute, they are the ideal body type for a broke-ass man. I mean, gym memberships are expensive! Who can afford to keep up with a strict workout regimen when they are out bustin’ their behind just to pay rent? Plus, we’re social creatures: time spent at a gym is better spent at a bar. Guys: the only reason that a smokin’ hot tum-tum might be hard to achieve would be if you are so broke that you are seriously struggling to feed yourself. In that case, let me redirect you to the website for food stamps. They help, and don’t worry– you’ll be on your way to Buddha-bellied babe-a-tude in no time.
Another note to men: already have a potbelly? Then show it off, you fool! I– and other girls I know, as well– love a man with Belly Pride. Don’t hide that cuddly little gut under too-loose t-shirts– try a form-fitting button-up, tucked in and belted, instead. Frame your belly like the show-stopping superstar that it is– nothing in sexier than body confidence. Having Belly Pride says that you’re comfortable with who you are, and own your so-called imperfections– who wouldn’t want to date a man like that?
Some might think that dudes with potbellies are lazy gamers/alcoholics who need to put down their joysticks and get themselves to a Cardio Kickboxing class, post-haste. Well, my pets, I beg to differ: in my opinion, men with potbellies are huggable, body-confident everymen who dare to challenge conventional standards of attractiveness. Basically, they’re renegades. So give a second look to the stalky chap at your office, or the otherwise-trim guy with the food-baby who works at your neighborhood hangout– and worship his tummy for the true thing of beauty that it is.
Photo credit: Askmen.com