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A Scumbag’s Guide to Portland – Part 2

Updated: May 21, 2012 12:22
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Hey guys! It’s Monday, and that totally sucks, but guess what? That also means it’s time for the next segment of the Scumbag’s Guide to Portland, which, depending on how you feel about it, might not totally suck that much. This week covers the letters G through L, so tune in, turn on, and drop out.

The Goodwill Bins – sift through pure vintage, straight from the source. They’ll charge you by the pound. This is a great place to help keep your Etsy shop stocked, you know, the one you keep telling yourself you’ll open when you’re sober, because when people ask what you’re doing with your life, saying, “I am working on my online boutique!” is a totally acceptable answer these days. There’s rad stuff here if you take the time, so be prepared to find shit like original DEVO tour shirts, and board games like Mouse Trap that have all the original pieces, but then also be prepared to find your friend’s dead grandmother’s dentures. And take a Xanax or something beforehand because the crowd is cut throat.

HONORABLE MENTION: Ground Kontrol –  A bar? In a classic arcade? When I heard about this I was like ‘Well that’s it for me, jerks, I’ll be hanging around here from now on until forever,’ because I couldn’t imagine a better place to decay. Me, and booze, and my homies Pacman Zelda, and Tetris. Just kickin’ it, and losing. Over and over and over. SIGH.

House of Vintage –  This was one of the first places in Portland that I had the privilege of getting lost in, and I have been madly in love with it ever since. Lots of my home furnishing came from their reasonably priced, adorably over-stacked rooms that are just bulging with weird kitschy knick-knacks that will (FINALLY, this time, totally, I promise) complete you as a person and repair your damaged childhood.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Holman’s Restaurant  – the first time I came here I was with my shitty ex-boyfriend and some chick had a seizure. It got better though. The food consists of really great fried things, and they have an awesome patio where we like to giggle and cause trouble.

Me and Stephanie, totally enjoying the totally enjoyable atmostphere at Holman’s

Heart –  Favorite coffee in Portland (seriously STFU about Stumptown. It’s fine. That’s IT.) and it will aid your hangover so fast you will drop your keys in disbelief. Plus it’s on Burnside (refer to the B’s) plusit’s by Screen Door, which is important if you are one of those people that actually decides to waste 4 hours of your Saturday waiting in line for something you could get just as good somewhere else because of some really sparkling Yelp reviews. Hungry Tiger Too – Day drink or brunch your life away.

Imperial Tattoo –  if you are a real scumbag, to the bone, you’re going to need to mark yourself up so that everyone knows to just back-off. Everyone that works here is great. My favorite is Manee Friday because he is nice and professional and has a light hand and he hasn’t even beat me up once for being annoying and not knowing what I want. They do specials sometimes, like for Friday the 13th or Halloween or whatever but you have to check with the website, or Manee’s Facebook page.

This is Robert the Robot. Manee Friday made him.

The Jupiter Hotel –  if you are a foxy Portland scumbag you have probably blacked out here and woken up next to a popular band member who’s name probably escapes you. It is where lots of good bands stay and play. It is also home to the Doug Fir Lounge ( where you can take your one-night stand and stiff em for the brunch check. Cuz who cares? Don’t their managers or whatever pay anyway?


Langano Lounge –  Whether you’re on day three of a bender, dodging your ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriend, or you ‘just want to find a dark place to get drunk by yourself a 2 pm for no reason, goddamnit,’ Langano is the place for you. This basement dive will shove strong, cheap drinks in your face, and boasts one of the loneliest atmospheres in Portland. BYOFriends, man. If you aren’t a regular, the look you’ll get from everyone will be comparable to the look you got from your 8 th grade math teacher when you “forgot” your homework for the fifth day in a row. From, like, everyone. And there’s always some dude in the corner playing an acoustic guitar. He won’t like you either, though. Even if you buy his mixtape or whatever. If you’re a normal person (HEY! Why are you reading this guide? Go pick up a copy of Fromer’s or something) you won’t understand the appeal of this place. If you’ve ever knowingly chose more than one Tom Wait’s song on a jukebox, however…welcome home.

Lurking into the darkness of Langano.

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Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

I like kittens, 40s, cupcakes, pizza, metal, thigh-highs, weekends, travelling, and parks. Lemmy is god. That's...that about covers it.

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