Throw A Broke-Ass Halloween Party

Updated: Oct 18, 2012 16:22
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The Spookiest Time of the Year is upon us! Do you know what you’re going to be for Halloween yet? I’m having a hard time deciding between Sexy Office Worker and Sexy Blogger. In other words, I’m not dressing up as anything. What does this look like, the third grade? Do you think this is a game?!

It actually kind of is, this twisted-silly adulthood we broke-asses are living.
In honor of that, you should throw a party. I know it’s early! Be a planner! Halloween is a great time for throwing a party. People still haven’t found their winter lover but are definitely edging towards that, making it easy to get some party make-outs in before solidifying a seasonal cuddle partner. This person should be chosen by November 1st, by the way, so keep your eyes and pheromones open this Halloween.
The most clever way of not having to buy food and alcohol for this party of yours is by calling it a Potluck. People love potlucks. They always have a special dish that “everyone loves!” and they want to show off. The people who can’t cook bring alcohol. Then there are those who call and ask what they should bring. Those people are stupid and the backbone of variety for your party.  Tell half of those people to bring Jell-o shots and the party should turn out fine. For the other half, just delegate to them food items you want to try or any exotic dish you’ve heard of but can’t afford to make. Don’t worry about difficulty, they asked and you’re hungry. Then, stand back at your party and bask in the glory of watching everyone else each everyone else’s shit.
The theme of your party will probably be for everyone to wear a costume. That sounds like fun and it’s the season for it so that’s your safest bet. However, if you’re feeling a little un-safe, try having your theme revolve around a more risque theme. Try suggesting the naked-est them you can thing of. Beach theme is always good for getting everyone as half-clothed as is possible. Lingerie parties also promote nudity. Get creative. “Dress As The Day You Were Born” party?
Please make some kind of homemade maze out of boxes and blankets that serves double as dry-hump station.
Pretty much your only issue to solve now is where you’ll have it. If someone has a barn, have it there for sure as you literally cannot mess up a barn. Unless you burn it down. This is not a candle party. Don’t bring candles. Other appropriate places include: a warehouse, a field, a tire factory, your Stepdad’s house while he’s on vacation (you never liked that fucker anyway), abandoned anything, or, of course, your neighborhood dive bar. If they haven’t banned you yet, they never will.
Your very last step is to invite awesome people like Me, Stuart, or this guy. But we’re not bringing anything but ourselves, so don’t even suggest it.
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Donna Rose - Bankrupt Blonde

Donna Rose - Bankrupt Blonde

DR has maintained at or just below poverty level her entire life. She lives in Oakland with her imaginary pet cat, Joel.