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I Sold My Soul and Moved from Portland to Los Angeles

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 This is what I look like when I’m moving. Or, drunk. Or both.

I haven’t written anything in a while because I have been moving. And maybe drunk? Perhaps a giggly combination of the two. But I’ve been happy, too, which always makes spilling my guts onto the internet a bit harder, because who cares about happy shit? Right? Anyway, since I’ve been providing masturbatory material to Portlandia fans for the past year about how much I love my fucking city, and then I moved suddenly, from aforementioned beloved city, I thought it might be a good idea to explain my actions. So here is why I moved from Portland (cue the sounds of birds chirping, fresh air, babies in strollers and affordable living) to Los Angeles (cue the sounds of traffic and Lindsay Lohan overdosing. Again.).

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 Also, this van lives in LA. That is enough reason for me.

First off, jobs. Jobs jobs jobs. This is the number one citation amongst those who are all, “I WOULD move to Portland, but…jobs!” and let me tell you that they are right. Portland’s job market is actually ok for those creative, palette-savvy dudes and babes who want to craft a career surrounding booze (YEAH!) or food (TOTALLY!) but otherwise it’s really tough. You need like seventeen Etsy shops just to make your $200/month rent. That is annoying, because we allllllllll know about emails and how annoying they are and how we are all getting all of them from everyone all of the time.

There’s rarely work for people like me. Who…well…I’m not sure exactly what it is that I do but I post on Facebook a lot. And I work for a lovely company (don’t fire me!) that pays me to do so, on the behalf of others. And they were willing to transfer me to an office with a larger client pool, so that I could learn and experience new accounts. And shit. Which rules.

Second off, boys. Yeah dating in Portland SUCKS. And you don’t know, and you WON’T know, until you are a single girl there. It’s horrible. And everyone that I may have turned into a potential relationship-ish thing turned into being my awesome and amazing friend. Which ruled, because friends rule. I don’t know, and I don’t want to get all Disney Princess on you or whatever, but I really dig the idea of love and falling in love. And I think I am, and that person lives in Los Angeles.

Ok this is as sentimental as I will get. In fact, here is some Satanic stuff to even it out.


 Picture taken from some site named from an article titles “Bush Satanic Rituals and Human Sacrifices.” Cool, huh?

So those were the only two reasons. They’re just really, really big reasons for me. Otherwise, I would stay in Portland forever. It’s an adorable, vegan strip club-having, food cart raging, booze slamming city that will always hold a huge, wet, sloppy, emotional place in my heart.

Any questions? PS did you just get a manicure? Nails are looking fierce. Also, did you borrow my black shoes? It’s cool, if you did, just bring em back sometime.

Love and kittens,


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Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

I like kittens, 40s, cupcakes, pizza, metal, thigh-highs, weekends, travelling, and parks. Lemmy is god. That's...that about covers it.

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