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10 Places To Stay Cool and Get Fat This Summer

Updated: Jun 08, 2014 20:33
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I was inspired to write my own “Top 10 Tips For Summer” after seeing so many in the grocery line that didn’t cover all the hottest new trends.

Ladies, if you’re like me and tired from carrying around your beach body all winter, and are looking for tips on how to put those pesky pounds back on without giving up your fun, carefree attitude, then look no further.  I’ve put together 10 fashionable activities with diet choices that you and your friends can go hog wild with.

1. Cocktail Pool Party – Looking sexy all the time can be a drag, and looking good in a two piece is so last season, go ahead, kick off those flirty wedges and gulp down some sugary booze by the pool.  Remember the more it tastes like a slurpy the fatter your ass is going to look after drinking it!

Pina coladas can have up to 490 frosty calories, and the right daiquiri can contain up to 800, drink up ladies!

2. Neighborhood BBQ – Sustaining a weight gain journey can get complicated, so get organized with mayonnaise.  Mayonnaise, mayonnaise, mayonnaise.  I cant stress this enough, if you have to dress it up in some kind of vegetable in order to make it work for you then do it.  Go for some crisp, white cole slaw, or some fresh and light for summer potato salad.

Your typical potato salad has 180 summery calories and 12 glamorous grams of fat, so go get you some!

3. Boating On The Lake – Want to know how to increase your calorie intake per second ratio?  That’s right, beer bongs!  Beer bongs also happen to be the flirtiest way to impress that cute frat guy you had your eye on!  Last Spring I had trouble getting my 19 year old cousin to gain weight and look cool doing it, and the beer bong turned out to be her ultimate July accessory.

Two Natural Ice beers have over 300 amazing calories in them!

4. Baseball Game – Giants stadium is beautiful this time of year, and the Panda look is going to be hot, hot, hot this summer! Lace up you’re your black and white hood, lean in and swallow down a couple orders of sizzling garlic fries and too-hot-for- school sausage.

A 6 ounces of kielbasa has 330 fun calories, 24 grams of hottie fatness!

 5Children’s Birthday Party –  Jealous of that chunky, little second grader getting all the attention?  Steal her cake!  Go to every one of your friends annoying kids birthday parties.  You’ll get a lot of questions like “I didn’t expect YOU to show up, Tiffany, that’s really sweet of you,” and then you say in your fierce voice “yeah, I’m a lovely godparent, now where’s the free ice cream bitch?”

Try not pick up children, it burns a lot of calories and they are not on our summer accessory list

6. Fancy Picnic in the Park – Make sure to minimize the walking in those heels girl, and maximize the carbs in your mouth.  I like to eat an entire baguette smothered with brie and some type of ham.  If you can drink wine out of goblet while you do this then you are completing the Emperor Nero look that was sooo hot last fall and is making a real comeback.


7. Street Food Festivals – Having 12 small meals in a parking lot is an excellent way to beat those summer urges to starve yourself.  There’s just something about eating on the sidewalk that makes you lose count of how many tacos you ate- muy caliente!  But be careful, spicy food can actually speed up your metabolism so lay off the hot sauce!


8. Amusement Parks- Two words: funnel cake.  And now three words: meat-on-a-stick.  There is no place to get bigger faster than at an amusement park.  When standing in line for rides, strike a pose by resting your weight square on the railing, resting square will make your hips look bigger in photos and its also a great way to conserve energy.  If you have to walk between rides try to at least be eating a giant turkey leg while you do it.


9. The Race Track-  On Sunday, big hats and big boxes of dollar hot dogs is the gambler’s couture this May.


10. The Movies: Too hot outside? Tired of sweating out all that water weight?  Go to the movies and get some butter topping on that popcorn.  Make sure you order the large soda so you can take advantage of all 64 ounces of corn syrup. Pssst! Cherry flavor is totally trending right now


Special thanks to WebMd for providing fool proof nutrition facts on the fattiest foods this summer, and to Allure and Life & Style magazines for providing summer fashion and weight gain tips.

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