AdviceArts and CultureNew YorkSan FranciscoSex and DatingSlider

All There is to Know about Soccer for Those Ladies (and Fellas) Who Love Balls, but Have No Clue About the World Cup

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news


Guest post by Jaisette Herrera

I love balls. They come in all sizes and shapes….and all are used to score. Balls are celebrated across the world and none are so adored then the ones that get to play in the World Cup.

I am a girl who loves sports, but I’m not a sporty girl. These days I can’t run more than two miles without face planting on the ground as my lungs scream and muscles seize up in agony. However, like most kids I did play sports in high school. Soccer was one of them. Thank god I did because it helped my dating life. And it will help yours.

Ladies (and fellas), you need to get in on the ball action!! Soccer is the most popular sport in the world and it’s a great way to get some male attention! Well…during injury time-outs and half times at least.

So here we are…the beginning of the World Cup. Four weeks of serious balls in your face. Not only are there loads of men watching the game, there are men from all around the world watching the game! They can be found all throughout the bars in SF & Oakland for your viewing pleasure. Pick a country, check the schedule and head on over to your nearest sporty booze shack.

Now to learn some soccer basics. Don’t be that person who doesn’t have a clue what is going on and just looks cute and Instagrams during the whole game. Put the damn phones down! The World Cup is serious. Way serious.


– There are 32 teams, to be whittled down to 2 for the final game. I’d explain how its done but why bother. Ask the hot guy next to you who his two picks from each group are…pretend to understand.

– Games are split into halves. Each half is 45 min long. Injury time is added on at the end for the drama queens who wasted time whining and crying over barely-there injuries. You’ll see some Oscar Award winning performances in those falls.

– NO HANDS ALLOWED ON THE BALLS! Head is ok…just no hands. Only the goalie can touch balls. Lucky guy.

– If the ball gets kicked out on either side of the goal by the team protecting the goal it becomes a corner kick for the other team. Corner kicks are great chances to get your balls to score.

– If the boys are bad they get carded: Yellow (CHILL BRO) and Red (GTFO).

– Sometimes there are penalty kicks. You will recognize this kick by the wall of men holding their junk like precious jewels.

– The teams with the HOTTEST men are Spain, Italy, Netherlands, US, Brazil and Germany.

There is no moment so glorious in all the World Cup then at the end of the game when the teams TRADE JERSEYS!!! Hot man abs and smooth, muscular arms in all their sweaty glistening glory….damn.

That is all. Go forth get some word class ball action! And don’t forget…balls are fun but they can also cause serious damage. Play safe and handle with care.

images from The Mirror UK, pintrest

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for my mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Color Me Badd: The Weekly 90's JAMS + COLORING BOOK Amazing Hour!!!

Next post

Get to Where You're Going as Fast as Possible with the New FREE RideScout App

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.

No Comment

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published.