AdviceArts and CultureSan FranciscoShopping, Style and BeautySlider

What Happens When a Party Monster Like Me Starts Doing Yoga? (Plus FREE Yoga for BAS Readers!)

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

This post is sponsored by the fine folks at Yoga TreeWanna sponsor a post or advertise on the site? Email me at 


(Note: there is an offer for FREE Yoga for Broke-Ass Stuart readers at the bottom of this article)

I fucking hate yoga. I fucking love yoga. I’m gonna be sore as hell tomorrow. I was thinking all this as I walked down Valencia Street on a sunny Saturday drenched with perspiration. I passed Lululemon moms with intergalactic strollers, hungover hipsters doing bellini brunches, and homeless dudes asking for change. It was a typical Saturday in the Mission and I couldn’t believe I was actually being seen I public wearing sweatpants. That said, I felt amazing.

I had just come from my first time doing yoga. Ok, that’s not exactly true. I did yoga twice before: once at summer camp when I was like 14 (where I pretty much curled up and went to sleep) and once a decade ago at a Bikram place that smelled like unwashed ballsacks (I left halfway through the session). On this day I was coming from Yoga Tree on Valencia and not only did I stay awake the whole time, I also didn’t leave halfway though. Plus I decided that I fucking hated and fucking loved yoga.

The kind folks at Yoga Tree had made me a proposition. They said, “Hey Stuart it’s our 15th anniversary. What if we give you a pass for a couple months to do unlimited classes, and then you write about your experience.” To which I responded, “Oh like what happens when a party monster decides to not be an unhealthy piece of shit?” and they said “Uh yeah, something like that”. And I agreed to do it.


What I imagined I’d be able to do after going to one class

The morning of that first class I woke up and said to my girlfriend “I’m a yoga person now,” and then realized the only thing I had to wear were either hideous cargo shorts or grey sweatpants. I decided on the sweatpants and on the way out the door said to her, “Damn gurl, I’m gonna get so bendy for you.” She rolled her eyes and wished me good luck.

Despite being for all levels, that first yoga class was really hard. I was twisted and bent into ways I didn’t know were possible and my body kept saying, “eeshh…I don’t know dude, are sure you wanna do that?” I wasn’t sure I did. At the start of the class I had told the assistant teacher that this was my first time, so he kept helping me out by adjusting my position. At one point, as I was trying to hold a pose, sweat was dripping down my face, my entire was body shaking. The assistant teacher came up to me and after looking at the pitiful, anguished creature I was, whispered “Nothing you’re doing is bad for you.” I came very close to laughing out loud. I couldn’t stop wondering how long we had till this abuse was over and thinking “oh please be time for corpse pose.” In short it was torture, and halfway through the session I’d decided I was never doing yoga again.

And then it was finally over. I returned my mat, drank some water, put on my shoes and realized I felt absolutely incredible. I stepped out on to the street and strutted down Valencia like I was in some feminine hygiene commercial where “I’m Coming Out” is playing. I knew I’d need more of this thing called yoga.


The scene of the crime (aka Yoga Tree Valencia)

Over the next week I went two more times and tried out a number of different teachers after that. One was way too into the hippie-dippy, find your inner light thing. One went through things too fast and I was always one position behind. Finally I found Darcy Lyon who was both fun and funny, leading wonderful classes without taking anything too seriously. And I was hooked.

Unfortunately my schedule got crazy and I haven’t been able to go in like a month, but I’m hoping that once things slow down I’ll be able to start going at least a couple times a week. Yoga is a wonderful way for a party monster like me to start being healthy. Now I just gotta find something better to wear than those weird ass grey sweatpants.

Two specials for BAS readers:
One Free Week of Yoga for New Students (redeemable in-studio only, mention promo code: brokeass108)
For returning yogis: 10 Classes for $108  (use promo code: brokeass108

images from meta pictureyoga vibesgreen path yoga

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Win a Copy of My New Zine: Love Notes and Other Disasters!

Next post

Win Tickets to a Vinage Fashion Fair + Dance Party @ Alameda's Vintage Pinball Museum

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.

No Comment

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *