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Your Startup Sucks: In The Bedroom

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There are many home appliances that could be “smarter.” Your fridge could lock itself when your high-ass self has no business rooting around in there.

Your coffeemaker could adjust the coffee strength based on how hungover you are.

Your car could refuse to start, sensing when you’d just waste all day at work anyway, so why even go?

These home innovations would improve our lives immensely. Others, not so much.

Luna Sleep

“Everything around us is becoming smarter and smarter but my bed is not improving.”smart-bed-luna-sleep

If there’s one technology that is ripe to be disrupted, it is beds. It is 2015, yet we still are basically sleeping on padded cushions.

Is your bed “really smart enough to understand your needs?” Luna wonders.

I will admit that my current bed is not. I’m not sure it understands much of anything. It’s more of a warm nest I crawl into at night.

But a Luna bed understands! It learns! It grows, as a … bed! It gets to know you, every night, keeps watch over you, takes care of you.

1. controls the temperature of your bed
2. monitors your sleep
3. communicates with your other devices (front door, alarm clock, coffeemaker)

There’s nothing worse than lying in bed and suddenly wondering, “Gee, did I lock the front door?” Now, thanks to Luna, that will never happen again.

Instead, we’ll lie in bed and suddenly wonder, “Gee, did Luna lock the front door?”


Blindfold Club

“​I like how the voice of Angelina called me beautiful. It made me feel special.​”woman-blindfolded-kinky

Last week we wondered about guys who had no idea how to plan a date: they ordered a date in a box. I guess the notebook, chap stick and playing cards did the trick, ‘cause now we’ve got a bunch of clueless guys with a new problem: how do I have sex?

Bindfold is “Siri for sex.” The idea is: you’re a guy, and you’ve got a girl, but you don’t know what to do, exactly.

“Angelina,” Blindfold’s narrator, will walk you though the “process” in a comforting and impeccably enunciated British accent. (Everything does sound better in a British accent, after all).

“Before we begin, there’s some preparation I recommend that we do. Take a shower or bath…”
“Begin burning some scented candles or incense if you have any.”
“Put on some relaxing music. I really enjoy Enigma.”
“Turn off your phones…”

Blindford isn’t Siri for sex, exactly. It’s a bit more like GPS for sex. “Make a left turn at upper thigh.” “Continue straight to mouth.”

Still, Blindfold is trying to help couples get closer, to break old routines, to spice things up. We can’t mock that, can we? It turns out, we can.

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Samo is a local curmudgeon. He can be reached by carrier pigeon.

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