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The Time I Hilariously Almost Went To Jail For Weed

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Back when I was 19, I moved out of my parents house and in with my girlfriend & her slutty (her words, not mine…she loved the hell out of sex) roommate. We were all young and stupid, we threw parties all the time…did young people shit. Also we tricked the slutty roommate into banging a dude that shit every time he came. That’s a story for another time, though. She totally wanted to bang him, though. She even did it again after the initial mishap.

One day, my girlfriend was at work and I had the house all to myself, so I had my friend Nate come over. Nate & I worked together, he’s good people and he smoked a fuck of a lot of weed so he brought over a good 2 ounces of it, at least. To paint a picture of what my place looked like at the time, it had a big living room with bachelor pad shit all over, like black light posters and Walmart lamps and inflatable furniture. It was a real douche den for the times, if I’m being honest here.

This Was My Fridge On A Good Day – Photo Credit: Wise Geek

Nate came over so we settled in and proceeded to get absolutely DESTROYED. I am talking high to the point of hallucinations. We’re eating garbage food, drinking liquid diabetes & shitty beer and watching Steven Seagal flicks, high off our dicks, laughing until we’re crying at ol’ Zen Ponytail Seagal beating the bumboclaat out of tiny Jamaicans. At some point, though, we hear a loud banging on a door coupled with screaming. Ever been so high that you think something happening in the room is actually happening on TV? Like, even if the noise doesn’t fit what’s on screen? That was this time. I was sure that it was happening on the movie even though they were swimming or something. But it wasn’t. This was real life and shit was about to get crazy. I look over at my door, basically in bullet time like it’s The Matrix, and this woman is beating on my door, out of her fucking mind, screaming to save her. So, of course, I go to open my door like an idiot and she barrels through and immediately calls the cops from my phone to let them know that her boyfriend is beating the three-toothed piss out of her.

Now, to give you an idea of why this was a bad thing…my house was hot boxed like an indoor Woodstock. You could barely see the TV from our balloon chairs 3 feet away. And there was weed and bongs and pipes and beer cans and shit EVERYWHERE. It was like a Grateful Dead reunion exploded in my living room. And now the cops were coming to my house. This woman was in my kitchen, crying and bleeding, rocking back & fourth like she was in a padded cell and talking to herself. I should also mention Nate was now hiding in my back bedroom in the closet. I had also sobered up really quickly because of adrenaline. And her boyfriend was now standing in my front doorway yelling for his girlfriend to come home so they could talk about it. I didn’t know what in the Alabama Cousin Fuck Trailer Park shit was happening, but I knew it wasn’t good. Then the cops showed up…

These Guys Showed Up And I Shit Myself – Photo Credit: Funny Junk

The boyfriend immediately moved from my doorway and let the cop know his girlfriend was inside. The cop took one step into my house, coughed loudly and said he had to step outside so he didn’t get a contact high. I was definitely fucked and some dude was gonna tit fuck me in jail tonight. I was sure I was getting arrested and the adrenaline I talked about earlier had now shot through my asshole, making all that highness come back tenfold. I was 50 Shades of fucked up, nervously farting from all the tacos & beer & Dr Pepper and now I’m paranoid as all hell on top of all of it. The cop asks me to come outside and as soon as he sees my eyes, he starts laughing hysterically. Apparently these baby blues were so red that you couldn’t tell what color my eyes actually were. He asked me what happened and in my head I told him everything just fine and clear. But what he said was “Jesus fucking christ, you can’t even form words. You’re useless. Go back inside.” which made me laugh. He did not laugh. He was the opposite of pleased with my weed infused shenanigans and lack of communication skills. I go inside and they coax her outside and arrest her & the boyfriend. I’d later find out that they were loaded on PCP and it was commonplace for these two Bubba Ho-Tep’s to get fucked in half on 80’s action movie drugs and beat each other senseless. Maybe that’s their foreplay, I dunno. I was just the unlucky neighbor for the night.

Don’t Open The Door For These Motherfuckers – Photo Credit: The NoChill

I go outside and basically got grounded by the cop for 24 hours. He told me he couldn’t arrest me because he wasn’t called to my house for drug suspicion and I was keeping it contained in my house. But I was told that if he saw my car driving around within 24 hours, he’d arrest me. I thanked the cop, went back inside, realized that miraculously I hadn’t pissed my pants, took a glorious piss, got even more high and finished watching Steven Seagal movies.

The next morning, I was woken up by Nate thrashing in my closet, trying not to shit his entire pants and/or my closet. Apparently he passed out during the prior nights PCP laced police kerfuffle and had no fucking clue why he was in my closet or how he’d gotten there. I told him everything and he laughed so hard that, in a twist of irony, he was the one that ended up pissing his pants.

The point of this whole story is that I have insomnia, I can’t fucking sleep and it’s times like this that make me miss smoking weed & watching Steven Seagal movies. Also, thank God I’m white or this story would be about the time I ACTUALLY went to jail for weed.

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Hey Readers!

I'm a stand up comic, freelance writer, freelance photographer & freelance (insert thing here you want to pay me to do) based out of NYC. I've been doing comedy for a decade and writing professionally for 5-6 years.

I produce a show every 1st Wednesday of the month at The Creek and The Cave in NYC at 10pm and you should totally come see it. Check out my Instagram for my photos. I like you, I know you'll like me back.

- Jonas Barnes
@JonasBarnes on Twitter
@jonasbarnescomedy on IG
Booking (Comedy, Photography, Writing):

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