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Hallmark Cards to Grandparents Now Subtly Mention Inheritance

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It’s Valentines Day again soon, and America is gearing up for a lovely day full of candy, chocolate, & romance.  Holiday Card makers Hallmark are also gearing up for a very busy week of business, although we’re told it’s not all hearts and cherubs at company headquarters this year.  It turns out Hallmark’s 2019 slogan of ‘it’s never too late to share your love’, brought in criticism from stockholders Monday, who noticed the campaign was not selling cards fast enough, (sales were reportedly down 20% from 2018).  So the Hallmark team added to its original slogan, ‘Its never too late to share your love, but it could be too late to get your inheritance’.

‘Buy Grandpa a Valentines Day card that reminds him of his responsibility to you’ 

“We’ve been scratching our heads, trying to get Millenials to buy more greeting cards,” said Hallmark spokesmen Jeremy Christmas, “and we finally hit a vein that they really care about, mainly, their college debt.”

The new greeting card campaign focuses on a younger audience and their needs, and less on the old fashioned idea of ‘romance’. “We do personalized cards, we do electronic signatures, we do color customization, whichever way you want to remind your Gam-Gam that she’s not going to live forever, is totally ‘cool’ with us.” Said Christmas.

“Our love for you, Nana, is forever, and so is this legally binding agreement.”

Shareholders were further incentivized with the news that Hallmark e-cards would be signing a partnership agreement with online legal site Legal Zoom, to provide card buyers with a direct link to the Wills & Trusts department.  Their flagship ‘Grandpa’ specific card reads, “We Love you so much Pop-pop, and we’d really like you to prove it to us by clicking on this link, and doing what they say”.

If Grandpa isn’t good with technology, bring over your own laptop and help him to open your card, and his estate, it will be a thrill of a lifetime.

“It’s a gentle push toward a very important responsibility,” said Christmas, ‘and remember, ‘Its never too late to share your love, but it could be too late to get your inheritance’.  


*Happy Valentines Day, and, this is satire

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Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

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