We’ve all been there, dude. You’re happily single, watching True Detective from a stolen source of cable, pretending the chicken in your fridge is still ok to eat, Peter Panning your way through life on a meager salary, when, BAMM! The perfect person comes along, and you’re screwed (literally and

I hate Valentine’s Day. Sure, I’m a hopeless romantic who usually spends every February 14th alone doing Jell-O shots in my chaise while eating bacon-fried bacon and masturbating to re-runs of Breaking Bad, but I retain the comfort of knowing Internet Girlfriend will never leave nor punch me in the face. The real reason

People frequently mistake me for being gay. Certainly much more than they mistake me for being a comedian. But despite the fact that I studied theater in college while working at the Gap, living in the co-ops and sucking dick on the side for money, I am neither gay nor bisexual.

I’m not the first and certainly won’t be the last person to write about the importance of male penis size, but hey, dick talk be making it rain hella page views up in this server. Plus, in the wake of the recent size scandal at Subway, it seemed as good a

Like many San Franciscans, I am exceptionally poor. As in I’m on Food Stamps poor. As in I had to ask the cashier to void my transaction when I found out Carl’s Jr. couldn’t accept my Food Stamps poor, which was awkward for both me and my date (to be

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