Ugh, rich people. They’re always making us regular Joes feel so goddamn… poor. They drive around in their fancy-schmancy white stretch limos, eating caviar and endangered, baby mammals with their pinky sticking out, all while perpetually drowning in a sea of diamonds and mink stoles (paws still attached, of course).

Hey kids! I thought we might have a little heart to heart before you go out and paint the town red this weekend. It’ll only take a minute, I promise. I want to talk to you about … well, butt chugging. Specifically, butt chugging wine. Apparently, it’s popular with you young