satire

02 Dec 2019

The Best Waterproof Mascaras for Constantly Crying Seasonal Depressives

by Laurie Riihimaki ‘Tis the season for holiday cheer, or should I say tears? For some, this time of year can be heavy with seasonal depression brought on by toxic family get-togethers, dreaded semester finals, literally darker days, and holiday weight brought on by grandma’s famous pecan pie and mac

Guest Writer 0
25 Nov 2019

Customs Officials Confiscating All Trump Piñatas So Trump Can “Keep Them For Himself”

If you’ve noticed a lack of Donald Trump piñatas on Mission Street lately, there’s a reason for it: the Acting Commissioner of U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has directed all his agents to confiscate them at the border. In an interview with BAS, Acting Commissioner Mark A. Morgan said, “The order

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap 0
20 Nov 2019

Guy You Met One Time Three Years Ago Invites You To Weird Facebook Event

by Ben Mangelsdorf Facebook user Keith Lightbringer, real name Keith Edwards, sent shockwaves through your Facebook feed Saturday evening by sending you an invite to an event called “AntAlien Presents: Cathedralasis / EGGTEEN.”  Lightbringer, who you think you met at a 70s-themed party that a Tinder date brought you to

Guest Writer 0
13 Nov 2019

Explosive Leaked Emails Reveal Stephen Miller is Bald

While it has already been reported that in the run-up to the 2016 election, leaked emails indicate that Stephen Miller promoted white nationalist literature, boosted racist immigration stories, and obsessed over the loss of confederate symbols – further investigation has revealed an ACTUALLY surprising detail about the White House Senior

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29 Oct 2019

5 Cartoon Villains that Would Be Less Frightening Presidents than Trump

by Ben Mangelsdorf  Look, these are strange times. Your grandma just requested to follow you on Instagram, the social media platform where you post videos of your friends vomiting and share videos of people with domesticated squirrels as pets. You’re trying to figure out how to schedule your own dentist

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24 Oct 2019

Is He “The One” or Is He Just Not Aggressively Toxic?

by Laurie Riihimaki Let’s be real – it’s a challenge to tell if the guy you’ve been fucking on a regular basis is really your Prince Charming or if he’s just an average person in a world full of toxic narcissistic assholes. Like, how are you supposed to tell if

Guest Writer 0
07 Oct 2019

Federal Judge Orders Trump to Untie Screaming Damsel From Train Tracks

A judge rejected the President’s argument that he was immune from “meddling do-gooders.” Monday, Oct 7 2019 – A federal Judge on Monday rejected a bold argument from President Trump that sitting Presidents are immune from investigations into their “dastardly deeds.”  Now, in addition to allowing the Manhattan District Attorney’s

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27 Sep 2019

Neighbors Install Homicidal Robots, Rusty Bear Traps to Deter Homeless

Inspired by the placement of two dozen boulders along both sides of Clinton Park, a quiet side street in the Mission, residents of nearby Landers Street have banded together to deter the presence of homeless encampments by placing a series of killer robots and rusty bear traps at irregular intervals.

Peter Lawrence Kane 0