A Hacker Threatened to Expose My Porn Habits and I’m OK With That

I don’t often go into my Spam folder. It’s usually filled with emails from Nigerian princes and cam girls who apparently are very, very wet but I’m very, very gay and not interested. Recently, in between money offers from his royal highness and girls who ask me to ‘taste their juice’ I found a new type of, well, spam. It was from Leo Federico, who at first glance sounded like a nice Italian boy from Staten Island but turned out to be a wannabe blackmailer from Ukraine. He warned me that if I didn’t send him $330 in bitcoin within 24 hours of opening his email he would release my porn history to all my contacts. My first thought was “I can’t believe I stopped looking at porn to check my spam folder”.

Now, Leo Federico isn’t a real guy. His email was a copy and paste job sent to thousands of people. The email claimed that I visited a porn site with malicious software that gave my phone a virus and allowed him to access my camera, history and contacts. He ended his email saying, “P.S. You can try to complain to cops, but I don’t think that they can help, the investigation will last for several months-I’m from Ukraine- so Idgf lmao”. Oh Leo, you got me.

The problem with this email isn’t that it’s a valid threat, it’s obviously not. The problem is that he’s playing on people’s fear of sex and sexuality to get money. To quote my buddy Leo, “Idgf” BUT somebody out there might. Somebody out there might be 1) naïve and 2) utterly terrified that people will see they are a real human with real sexual desires who enjoys watching smut and having orgasms. There might be some Joe Schmo who is desperately searching out how to buy bitcoins to stop his perceived humiliation that people will know he jerks off. Uh, if jerking off is bad then why did god make boners?

Here’s the thing. Porn is fun, watching it and making it. I’ve got about 6 old smartphones with enough amateur footage to start my own website. The last thing I’m worried about is my browser history because my own ACTUAL history is way fucking filthier. Now, not everybody can record backseat blowjobs while driving a car (sorry GEICO), but even if you just like to watch plain old white people missionary sex porn, that’s fine too. Unless your browser history includes searches for buying MAGA hats in bulk, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

99% of interesting people are not having vanilla sex

It’s 2018. We should never let the ‘Leo Federicos’ of the world make us feel fearful for logging on and getting off. We live in a world where Trump fucked a porn star and more people are disgusted that SHE fucked him and not the other way around. There’s nothing wrong with being aroused. Don’t ever be ashamed that your hands can do things to your own body that no lover ever could. Whether you need to watch porn to get off or just stare at your ceiling- get that fucking nut.

Listen, you may not ever watch porn. That’s cool. Or, you may go into debt tipping those very, very wet cam girls. That’s cool too. It’s your life, your bank account, your nut. Don’t let Ukranian blackmailers, or anyone else, make you think there’s something wrong with you, there isn’t. And if you think you’re above carnal desire, if you look down on porn and think your sex life is ‘normal’, just remember every time you have sex it’s technically a DP when you’ve got Jesus in your heart.