Illustration created by Heather Atles using AI

Whip-Smart Feminism

Hi, I’m Shameless Heather Atles, an expert relationships, sex, and intimacy coach. With years of experience guiding individuals through the complexities of love, connection, and self-worth, my approach combines humor, practical wisdom, deep insights, and actionable steps to empower those navigating the twists and turns of modern romance. 

Ask me anything! hello@heatheratles.com

Dear Shameless,

I’m really curious about exploring kink and BDSM. I have fantasies of being dominated, but I don’t know exactly what I want to do (or have done to me), and I don’t know how to bring it up with my boyfriend. I’m not looking to go full on whips and chains, but I don’t know where to start. It’s overwhelming! And to top it off, I’m embarrassed because I consider myself a strong, independent woman, and this desire to be dominated feels like a betrayal of my feminist principles.

-Knotted Up Inside

Dear Knotted Up Inside,

Let me wrap you in a warm embrace of reassurance: your fantasies and desires do not diminish your strength or independence as a feminist. In fact, acknowledging and exploring your sexual desires can be a potent affirmation of your autonomy. Feminism is about empowering choices, including the exploration of one’s sexuality.

It’s perfectly okay not to have everything figured out from the get-go. Flirting with the world of kink and BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance/submission, Sadism, Masochism) doesn’t require you to dive straight into the deep end. In fact, I suggest you start slowly with introspection about what you want to feel, rather than getting too wrapped up in what activities you want to try. Taking the time to explore the emotional state you are interested in achieving through kinky play will open up lots of juicy avenues to getting there. What aspects of domination appeal to you? Is it the power exchange, the heightened trust, being objectified, surrendering control, or perhaps the emotional intensity?

Starting with the motivation behind the desire is a great way to broach the conversation with your boyfriend. Just telling your partner you want to be dominated might put him on the spot, especially if he doesn’t know what that means to you or how to do it. Opening up the discussion about feelings you want to explore gives you both space to navigate this journey together, discovering what domination and submission mean to you as a couple. It allows for a broader, more inclusive dialogue about desires, boundaries, and fantasies.

Create a Safe Space for Exploration

This convo will go much, much more smoothly in a safe and non-judgmental space. Share your feelings and desires without expectation or pressure. Make it clear that this exploration is about adding to your relationship, not compensating for something missing. Establish clear boundaries and safe words to ensure both of you feel secure at every step. Remember, consent and mutual enjoyment are paramount.

Be Study Buddies

Exploring BDSM might take a bit of homework. Together, research what “safe, sane, and consensual” BDSM is all about. There’s tons of resources online where you can learn from others’ experiences, but just like all of the internet, it can be the wild west out there. If it doesn’t feel right for you, move along, cowgirl. Books and workshops are also great avenues for growing your skills and insights into dynamics, practices, and safety. Taking on this adventure together can be incredibly bonding and exciting.

Illustration created by Heather Atles using AI

Experiment at Your Own Pace

There’s no rush to try everything at once. Start simple, with activities that capture the essence of your fantasies. If being dominated for you means relinquishing control, consider starting with light bondage like using scarves to tie your wrists or as a blindfold. These little games can be deeply erotic and fulfilling without involving intense physical play.

Reflect

After experimenting, take the time to talk about the experience together. Discuss what you enjoyed, what you didn’t, and how you felt before, during, and after. This reflection is key to deepening your understanding of each other’s desires and boundaries.

Feminism and Kink

Your concerns about reconciling your feminist beliefs with a desire to be dominated in the bedroom are understandable, but just know that many feminists enjoy and even find empowerment in BDSM. The key is consent, communication, and the clear distinction between fantasy role-play and real-life dynamics. BDSM, at its core, is about negotiation, consent, and mutual satisfaction. It can be a space where you temporarily relinquish control in a safe, controlled environment, which can be liberating and affirming, no matter how strong and independent you are in your day-to-day life. So yeah, you can be a boss bitch and and enjoy submission with the right Dom.

Illustration created by Heather Atles using AI

Seek Community and Support

If you’re looking for more support or want to learn from others, consider connecting with the BDSM community. San Fransicko is full of kinksters, and there are many workshops, classes, and meetups where you can learn about safety, techniques, and dynamics in BDSM. Check out events on Erobay or meet some lovely, kinky people on Bloom Community. If you’re feeling a bit too shy to connect with the more public kink community, consider working with a relationship and sex coach who knows the BDSM and kink realm. 

Knotted Up Inside, you’re embarking on an exciting journey of self-discovery and intimacy with your partner. Approach this exploration with openness, communication, and care for each other’s well-being, and you’ll find that BDSM can add a rich new layer to your relationship. Your desires are valid, and pursuing them with respect and consent can lead to deeply fulfilling experiences.

Warmly,

Shameless Heather