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DEAR SHAMELESS

BY SHAMELESS HEATHER ATLES

Hi, I’m Shameless Heather Atles, an expert relationships, sex, and intimacy coach. With years of experience guiding individuals through the complexities of love, connection, and self-worth, my approach combines humor, practical wisdom, deep insights, and actionable steps to empower those navigating the twists and turns of modern romance. Check out my upcoming workshop, “Playful Intimacy” on May 4 in San Francisco.

Ask me anything! hello@heatheratles.com

Dear Shameless,

I’m embarrassed to say I’m in a bit of a pickle—or should I say, the pickle is in a bit of a rut! Sex used to be my favorite activity, but lately my boyfriend and I seemed to have prematurely aged into a pair of passionless pensioners, and we’re only in our early thirties. This is my longest relationship yet, and we have sex regularly, but it feels like we’re both just phoning it in. I’m not ready to retire to boring bedroomsville. How can we fire up our fizzling flames and we add more sizzle in our smashing?

~Yawning Yoni

Dear Yawning Yoni,

Sounds like you’re in a predictability predicament. Sex has become lackluster, as in, lacking lust, for a variety of reasons. After the new relationship sex energy (NRE) wears off, many couples forget that great sex doesn’t just happen on its own forever. Excitement, passion, and novelty were easy in the beginning, and now you have to actually put in some effort. 

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Get Your Engines Revving

Let’s start with arousal. You need to take the time to actually get your pistons pumpin’ before sliding the racecar into the garage (or in your case, putting the pickle in the jar.) While the occasional quickie can be fun, don’t make a habit of skimping on the foreplay. Most people love to be teased and titillated, and the action can start long before bedtime. Try a little seductive innuendo (or even full on dirty talk) in the morning and send a sexy message in the middle of the day. Anticipation is an amazing aphrodisiac. 

When you finally get your hands on each other, play around with different types of touch on the arms, chest, back, neck, etc. Massage type touch gets boring and predictable. Try alternating super feather light, barely gliding over the skin, caresses, with firm “I want you” holding grips.

Take your time turning each other on and dive deeper into what kinds of words and actions get your erotic energy circuit going.

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Inject Some Novelty

There’s a dumb joke that sex is like pizza–even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. I completely disagree! Especially if you’re eating crappy pizza a few times a week. In fact, eating any same meal over and over again gets mundane. It’s time to spice it up. 

Getting out of your comfort zone can be a little intimidating, but definitely worth the effort. There’s an almost endless number of ways to add variety to your sexcapades, the key is discovering what gets you both going. Explore your fantasies and make a lusty fuckbucket list together. Here are some ideas to get you rolling (in the hay):

• Bust Out The Toys: Introduce blindfolds, light restraints, and of course, your other boyfriend–that trusty vibrator–into your action to mix things up. Pretty soon you’ll be feeling like the play thing.
• Role Play: You and your leading man get a backstage pass to the theater of thrills. Whether you’re channeling your sultry secret agent, or simply pretending you’re on a daring first date, slip into character (and something a little risqué) and see how the drama unfolds.
• Add Some Erotica: Most porn is made for men, but there are some female-friendly options. Check out Erika Lust and Dane Jones both get thumbs (and other appendages up) from women as well as men. Or if the written word get you wet, try reading out loud to your lover.

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Add A Third

I’m not talking about a ménage à trois, (unless you want to–hey, I’ve got tips on that too!) I’m talking about getting some help from an expert.

Boredom breeds resentment, and resentment is expensive! It’s more costly to your relationship than seeing a trained coach or going to a workshop. And what a coincidence, I have a workshop coming up on May 4th at New Mission Yoga in San Francisco. The “Playful Intimacy” workshop is designed to help you discover ways to weave joy, creativity, and friskiness back into your life and relationships. It’s for couples, polycules, or individuals who want to transform their ability to play, laugh, and explore the juiciness of their connections, starting with the connection to yourself.

Photo by Shayna Douglas on Unsplash

So, Yawning Yoni, before you end up in the land of the libido-less, why not join me in uncovering a world brimming with pleasure and playfulness? You’ll shake off the yawns and enter the realm of “Oh my god, YES!” Rekindling the fire doesn’t require magic, just a willingness to take your time, explore, communicate, and try something new. 

Love,

Shameless