Organized, Filthy & Fearless: The John Waters Christmas is here

One of my favorite days every year is when I get to interview John Waters about his upcoming Christmas Show at The Great American Music Hall. This year, it happened to be the morning after the election, and I wasn’t too worried (turns out I was in denial). I was ready to celebrate the first woman president with him. Well, as you know, that didn’t happen. The day turned into a mix of deep depression and hopelessness with a hint of excitement and warmth because if someone could give me hope, it’s John Waters. I was looking forward to guidance from our real leader. I wasn’t born to follow, but goddammit, I’ll follow John anywhere.

So, in the morning of November 6, 2024 I called John Waters for our scheduled interview.

Patricia Colli: Hi John, How are you?

John Waters: Oh, I’m good. It’s a weird day, right?

PC: Yeah, a lot of feelings…

JW: Exactly. Thrilled that Robert Kennedy Jr. is now apparently responsible for my health. Great. He’s probably got monkeypox and tapeworm.

PC: (laughs) It’s a strange day for all of us. But honestly, talking to you is always a highlight of my year.

JW: Thank you, I know we’ve talked before.

PC: Yes,I was very much looking forward to it but this election results are putting a damper on my jolly day. How’s your day going so far?

JW: I’m doing press all day to promote the tour in different cities. You know, whining about it till Sunday, and then it’s back to business on Monday, trying to stop them from doing horrible things.

PC: Yes! More than ever, we need you. Can we mourn till Sunday, then take action?

JW: You can whine about it till Sunday. Then shut up and do something.

PC: What do you suggest we do?

JW: Well, it certainly depends on what’s the first thing he tries to do that would be something that we would be violently against, which could be probably everything. We have to go back to the sixties. We have to use humorous terrorism. Make him look stupid. He doesn’t even care. But…we’ll see. Well, will he be a good loser? I would imagine. Will he be a good winner? I doubt it. I mean, as far as graciousness goes, you know?

PC: Exactly. 

JW: But unchecked, he’s at the top of my bad little boy Christmas list. I’ll put it that way.

PC: Yeah, well let’s talk about my favorite day of the year. How are you feeling about your Christmas show this year?

JW: I’ve written it, but I haven’t memorized it yet.

PC: I was curious, especially with the election. Did you adapt it?

JW: I had a political thing and the whole part in there could go whatever happened. I wrote it, actually for what did happen and is probably better for the jokes in the show.

PC: Was it a surprise for you? I realized I was in denial, it caught me totally off guard, which is a real bad thing. 

JW: When I went to bed last night, it didn’t look good. Is it a surprise? Yes, in a little bit of a way it was. Uh but. yeah, It didn’t look good and then I woke up this morning and saw the New York Times headline. That’s what I feared. But, you know, life goes on. I mean, uh, you know, that’s, that’s all I can do. I hope Baron Trump runs off with Greta Thunberg.

PC: That would make for an interesting plot twist. Right now we need art, jokes, and wit. 

JW: Yeah. Humorous Terrorism is the only kind of terrorism I’m for. When you make the enemy look stupid and he has a thin temper. So it’s easy. Let’s talk about something else.

PC: Only laughter can save us. You got a Christmas-hating, Catholic-raised girl to actually look forward to Christmas.

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“Humorous Terrorism is the only kind of terrorism I’m for. When you make the enemy look stupid and he has a thin temper. So it’s easy.” – John Waters

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JW: And here we are again, another year. I love the Great American Music Hall. I’m happy to go back there. They’re always such a great staff and they’re so welcoming. It’s a real homecoming to play that theater.

PC: It’s honestly my favorite venue in SF, and it’s perfect for your show.  I hear you’re releasing new Christmas music?

JW: Yes, I covered “The Barking Dogs Jingle Bells,” the most hated Christmas song ever. I wanted to do like Cat Power did Bob Dylan. But I wanted to do “The Barking Dogs”.

PC: So, are you actually barking on the song?!

JW: Yes! (John barks the song while I laugh hysterically) It’s punk rock, three verses in different styles. The first one I do it as the barking dog. The second, it’s more like a Phil Spector sound of me barking. And the third one, it’s more speeded up like the Chipmunks. But then the best is that it says on the cover “Please don’t listen to this record”.

PC: Too late, I’ve preordered copies from Atomic Books months ago. It’s everyone’s Christmas gift this year. 

JW: It comes out tomorrow (November 7th) and it will zoom to the bottom of the charts. And the other side is a punk rock Christmas, which is my kind of thing that you can play every year, Christmas for your bad Children. Sit around the tree and play my little record, light the fire and, and make sure it’s in the fireplace. It’s a punk rock Christmas where your family can clutch these other safety pins and pogo around the tree and knock it over.

PC: That sounds like a very Mosswood Meltdown dream.

JW: Exactly. Well, you know, punks are my people. You know that.

PC: You are our guy. If punks could have one leader, it’s you!

JW: Thank you! We’re announcing the new lineup in a couple of days.

PC: So did you write that punk rock song? I’m a fan of your other hits like “No Budget” and “Gas Chamber”.

JW: Yes, I did. But the Barking Dogs is a cover I always used to wanna get Edith Massey to do it. I tried to get her to do it and she wouldn’t. So I took over in her memory.

PC: So it’s a project that you’ve been wanting to do for a long time.

JW: Oh, yes.

PC: I love the cover, I want that on a t-shirt!

JW: It is a parody of the whole record. The original cover except my face wasn’t on there and it didn’t say “Please don’t play this record. Everything is a parody of the original packaging. 

PC: I can’t wait!

JW: I tell you, every time you hear that song on the radio, you switch the channel so quickly. That’s why I like it.

PC: Well, after speaking in tongues, you know, what else can I expect? Barking? I’m all in for it. John, you give the best advice. I feel like throughout my life, I’ve learned how to live and how to handle being a person because of you in a better way.

JW: Thank you. 

PC: That’s why your show is so essential to me, you deliver us the Zen of John Waters in a way that is enlightening and hysterically funny. My face always hurts on the next day from laughing so hard. What can we expect this year?

JW: I talk about shitting at Christmas. That’s a big problem. And also about nudity at Christmas. What is proper? So those are two subjects shitting and nudity around the holidays and when you go home to your parents.

PC: (laughs) What about flirting? How do you know when John Waters is flirting with you? What is your technique?

JW: Well, at 78, I’m just looking for a “hospice hag.” But in general, flirting doesn’t happen like it used to—it’s all online now. Though, I do have a bit about the sexiest thing you can wear, which I’ll reveal in the show. I’m not gonna give that away to you now. Well, the sexiest thing is wearing a home detention monitor out. That kind of adds an edge even to normcore.

PC: That IS edgy and hot! Any other fashion tips?

JW: Yes, flip-flops with socks, but only in prison. Or, wear a home detention monitor—that’s edgy.

PC: In San Francisco young people walk around wearing pajamas on the streets. I’m confused, what happened to style?

JW: Yes, and people wear pajamas on flights. Makes me crazy!

PC: They wear pajamas everywhere!

(we both grunt: Ughh!)

JW: When we are in the middle of the winter and they wear Bermuda and no socks that doesn’t make you look butch. It just makes you look like an adult toddler.

PC: Yeah! It’s such a turn-off, it’s sad. 

Do you have any other books coming up? I was rereading Mr. Know-It-All and was wishing you’d write White Lipstick, the Hairspray sequel, in book form

JW: Yeah, I wrote what the sequel was about. But the next book, I don’t know what I’m gonna do next. I just finished reading a good book that took place in San Francisco about the poet Thom Gunn. And he’s the firmest person I’ve never known that had the hots for homeless people. That was his type. He was like a C.H.U.D. fucker.

PC: (laughing so hard) You taught me all about Bud, The C.H.U.D. last year and I use it all the time cause my neighborhood was taken by C.H.U.D.S.

JW: Yes, you got a lot of them in SF. Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. 

PC: Except here, they’re not Underground anymore, soon they’ll be the majority! 

JW: Thom Gunn would be in heaven now. He’d be so happy, but he’s no longer with us.

PC: Any news about Liarmouth, the movie?

JW: Yeah, it’s not happening. That’s not new news. We never got the budget. Everybody said no. I mean, it could happen another time but it’s not happening now.

PC: Oh, that’s a major bummer. Everybody was really looking for it. I was manifesting you surrounded by green lights all year long.

JW: Yeah. I know, but Hollywood these days… Well, that blinking yellow light turned to red but it turned to red to almost everybody I know. It’s a tough time in Hollywood. The movie business as we know it is over.

PC: What do you think is happening?

JW: Well, it’s a new way to figure it out. Young people don’t go to the movies anymore.

PC: It’s true, and good movies stay for like, five days in the theater and then it’s just another Marvel crap after another.

JW: Yeah, I still go. But, you know, I think even if you don’t wanna go to the movies, the theaters are struggling. Just buy a ticket, you don’t even have to go, just pull over in your car and buy a ticket.

PC: Yeah, people need to support places before they disappear. How about art, any shows coming up?

JW: I do, I have an art show right now in San Francisco. It’s up for two more weeks. It’s at the Rena Bransten Gallery. It’s up right now (closes on November 16th). It’s called The Worst of Waters. 

PC: What?! I can’t believe that passed under my radar. I must’ve been in an election haze and missed this out, that’s lame. When we hang up I am heading over. Art in real life is exactly what I need today.

JW: Yeah, they’re open. Go ahead!

PC: The greatest show of the year was your Retrospective at The Academy Museum of Motion Pictures. I flew to LA just to see it and it was incredible. I never wanted to leave! Will the exhibit travel?

JW: It was up for a year. Yeah, they did an amazing job. But no, it won’t travel because there’s really no other film museums, you know, there’s art museums but I keep that very separate. It’s not a contemporary art thing. And it’s a big show. It would be very expensive to travel. So it isn’t traveling. It’s done. But they did such a great job, a beautiful catalog. It was a really wonderful experience.

PC: I spent the whole day there, I laughed and I cried a few times. It was emotional, I never thought I’d see anything near that. It was like being in Dreamland. 

JW: Thank you, thank you!

PC: Well, John all I can say is thank YOU for talking to me again and for all you do. Pat Moran (casting director extraordinaire and John’s best friend) once described you as “Organized and Fearless” and I think that’s such a great description of who you are. I have it written on a Post-it on my wall, it’s all I aim for myself to be. 

JW: She’s my greatest friend in the world. I’m having dinner with her tomorrow night. I’ll tell her you said that. Plan ahead and have a back up plan.

PC: I will! I’m looking forward to seeing you on another Christmas.

JW: Great talking to you. I’ll see you then!

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All photos by Patricia Colli unless stated otherwise.