Are You A Hot Mess? Here’s a Quiz to Find Out.


We all know someone who is a hot mess of a person. Is that person you? Are your friends secretly wishing you’d just die already? Is even your sweet, loving Nana ready to take you out back and beat you like a dirty rug?  Take this handy quiz to find out!

1. It’s Wednesday night 11pm, you got off work around 7pm and you have to be to work tomorrow at 6am. You are:

a. Hittin’ the sheets! You have another full day ahead of you and you aren’t about to let a nasty hangover taint this week’s already thriving sales numbers!

b. Just finishing up a late-running ” Humpday Happy Hour” with Stuart at Dear Mom. You’re definitely drunk but certain chugging Gatorade tonight will put you where you need to be tomorrow.

c. You just bought a hot dog on the street, ate it, threw up, then bought another one. You are so focused on trying to aim the sweet, luscious dog at your gobble gate that you don’t even remember you work somewhere.

2. You have $14 left and there are seven days left until your next paycheck. You:

a. Spend $2 a day. It will be difficult but you’ll just have to go without. Bummer!

b. Borrow $40 from a friend. You’ll eat in until payday and your friend knows you’re good for the money.

c. That’s actually -$14. You’ll scramble to find the money (somehow) before the bank overdraft fees come in. Realistically, this small negative will turn into at least -$100. Payday loan!

3. Your friends invite you to party because:

a. With your work schedule and the new great book you bought, you really don’t have time. This is reflected by your lack of invites to do… anything.

b. You always bring beer and you’re hot. You’re always not so sober you can throw a dart straight but not so drunk you can’t stand without assistance.

c. They don’t. Not that you would go anyway, because you owe so many people money you can’t walk down the street without worrying you’ll run into someone who needs their $20 two weeks ago. For the thing that you broke. When you drank a bottle of Wild Turkey. At the christening of their firstborn child.

4. You are in a two year relationship and it’s your significant other’s birthday. You:

a. Send a “Happy Birthday” text and make promises to take them to dinner somewhere fancy that you’ve really been wanting to try.

b. Surprise them with a camping trip with all your friends.

c. Don’t know your significant other’s birthday.

5. People would describe you as:

a. That person that lives upstairs from them that doesn’t make a lot of noise.

b. Someone they would trust to plan their bachelor/bachelorette party with and be their emergency contact.

c. A fucking shit dick.

6. You are with three friends eating a pizza. There is one slice left. You have already had two slices and are pretty full. You:

a. No pizza for you! Too much grease. Quietly fill up on salad and then excuse yourself to go brush/floss your teeth.

b. Eat the rest of your fries. If the pizza isn’t gone by then you ask if you can have it. Then buy your buddies a round of beers.

c. Wait until your friends are looking the other way, fold the thing in half, eat in two bites.

Results:

Mostly a’s: Hanging out with you is more boring than watching the Olympics sober. Watching paint dry would be a welcome escape from spending time with you – at least then you might get high enough on the fumes to tolerate your dull ass.

Mostly b’s: You’re a real pal! You have a few good stories of over-indulgence that make you funny and relate-able without being annoying and ruining everyone’s night by haphazardly spilling any number of your body fluids about.

Mostly c’s: You are a hot mess! You are kinda like Lindsay Lohan only with less money and more gut. Get a job you sack of shit!

 

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About the author

Donna Rose - Bankrupt Blonde

DR has maintained at or just below poverty level her entire life. She lives in Oakland with her imaginary pet cat, Joel.