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Sexual Positions Guys Think Are ‘Awesome’ But They Are Actually Terrible

Courtesy Pixabay

Courtesy Pixabay

Guys, we know you love the thought of getting creative in the bedroom. Somehow you just never do. Unlike you, the ladies have a harder time coming to climax. Simply because sex, for us, is about a balance of passion and the right position. We want to be mentally and physically stimulated – even if you are ripping our clothes off and giving us ‘Hollywood’ porn style sex.

Wanna know why we fake it? Because what you’re doing sucks. Totally sucks! 

While it would be superb if you studied tantric sex and really read the Kamasutra, instead of giggling at the pictures, we all know you probably aren’t going to do that. Women aren’t afraid to give you a little less talk and a lot more action, but you gotta put a little more effort in Honey. Which sincerely means, you need to get creative in the bedroom. That, my friends, starts with better sex positions.

Here are “The Worst Sexual Positions. Ever.” 

Doggy Style

I use this for one reason and one reason only: I want you to hurry up and get off, because I’m done. Not sure about other women, but most women would agree doggy style isn’t intimate. While it’s a good warm up or cool down after the girl has had a magical orgasm, it’s not sexy. I mean, that Barbie looks like she’s about to break her dang neck. I do yoga, but I ain’t that flexible.

Courtesy Buzzfeed

Courtesy Buzzfeed

Legs to Head

It fucking hurts. That is all. I somehow managed to gracefully survive a 25 foot fall down two flights of stairs, and I hated having my legs pinned up to my ears before that! It makes women feel super self-conscious, especially if they have any kind of extra bits around the belly area. Because I know you wanna look down and see your rock hard penis gliding in and out of my golden vagina. What you’re gonna see is fat rolls. A lot of fat rolls.

Like Kristen Stewart’s new hair, you can’t un-see that shit.

Courtesy Buzzfeed

Courtesy Buzzfeed

Sensual Spoon With Sideways Sex – Basically Some Crazy Shit You Made Up

Whoever said Fireman were sexy was way mother f’ing WRONG. This idiot fireman I dated used to do this thing where he got behind me, put one leg out in front of me like we were gonna have Sideways Sex, then put my other leg up in the air like Sensual Spoon Position.

Courtesy Nicole Marie Photography

Courtesy Nicole Marie Photography

Men, we don’t bend that way. He did it, because he wanted me to reach through my legs and play with his tiny balls. He took steroids and called it testosterone. Hahaha. To lose weight, because at one point he had man boobs. This guy also used to stab me in the face with his tongue while kissing me. So not sexy. Not sexy at all.

Missionary

A controversial statement, I know, but let me explain. If you are being super intimate with your partner and climb on top of her, dripping with sweat, and grab her head, and pull it forward into your chest – she’s not panting because she likes it, she probably can’t breathe.

Courtesy Goodreads

Courtesy Goodreads

 

Missionary should always be done with the girl on top and a pillow under the guy’s butt, so it tilts his penis and hits her G-spot!

Honestly, the best way to please her – ask her what she likes. Get to know your girl. Trust me. We’re honest and open, if you are! Plus she’ll be more willing to try new stuff. Explore tantric sex, and really read the Kamasutra. Those positions are specifically designed for maximum pleasure for you and your girl. You should always leave your girl craving more, and a little dishevelled…

Courtesy Pinterest

Courtesy Pinterest

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Brittany McComas - Sassy Lil' Biscuit

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Sassy Lil' Biscuit moonlighting as an underwater basket weaver. What? It's a valid profession.