The Ukraine Scandal Explained So Even Trump Supporters Can Understand

by Willem Frankfort

Recently, the call for the impeachment of President Donald J. Trump has been echoing through Capitol Hill. Most people I meet are stoked to see that glorified internet troll dethroned in disgrace, but, there is still about 30% of this country that can’t seem to understand all this fuss about the Ukraine. 

I’m speaking of course, about Trump’s notorious base. When Trump first rose to power, no doubt due to some Faustian bargain, I assumed these people were evil.

After several years of arguing with these people on Facebook (as well as several years of working with children) I came to a stunning conclusion: Trump supporters aren’t evil, they simply have the minds of children!

I was struck with an idea. Maybe our problem with not being able to access Trump’s base is we’ve made the mistake of trying to talk to them like adults…

Here goes nothing:

*Cue Upbeat Music*

Hey there deplorables, it’s time for a Trumpanzee Jamboree! Time to have some fun! Might as well have fun right now, because they’re coming for your guns!

Gather round my little MAGA-loids… today we are going to work together to solve the mystery of the Ukraine Scandal. Ooh, sounds scary!

 We have some whistleblowers, boys and girls. Can YOU tell me what a whistleblower is? No? That’s okay, I’ll tell you! A whistleblower is somebody that works for the government, who reports other people who work at the government for being naughty. It’s against the law to stop them from testifying. Let’s count the number of whistleblowers who have currently come forward.

One. Two. 

Two whistleblowers! Ha ha! So the first whistleblower said that the naughty President called President Zemitsky of Ukraine and tried to bully him into tattling on Joe Biden in violation of US Code 52: Subsection 30121. He hid the recording of that conversation on a top-secret data server so the bossy grownups in Congress couldn’t see it. Then another whistleblower said that the White House tried to stop the IRS from releasing Trump’s tax returns. 

Do you see any corruption?

*Uncomfortably Long Pause*

Where is it?

*Somehow Even Longer Pause*

You… you actually don’t see it? Really? Okay…

Mr. Trump called his bestest friend Attorney General William Barr to try to stop whistleblowers from testifying before Congress.

Can you say felony violation of the whistleblower protection act? No? Are you kidding me you fuc–… *ahem* Just keep trying, you’ll get it!

Then he doubled down, boys and girls. He implied that filing a legal whistleblower complaint is treason and that the people telling on him should be hanged… on national television…. haha! Isn’t that… s-special?

Later, after an elaborate cover up, Mr Trump admitted to asking Zemitsky to investigate Joe Biden and his son. Can you spell dementia?

D-E-M-E-N-T-I-A.

Very good!

So he admitted to a crime on television?

Yes, boys and girls! You’re getting it! He admitted to the crime. He admitted to it on television in a room full of reporters. It is on the internet. You can YouTube it! I know you kids love YouTube. 

But why isn’t that video being shown on Fox News?

Why indeed, my little Trumpanzees! Maybe we can communicate!

If you only watch Fox News, you probably don’t know that the Democrats in the House of Representatives have opened formal impeachment inquiries and subpoenaed all of the president’s little henchmen.

Vocabulary Time! Subpoena comes from a Latin term meaning “under penalty.”

Speak English you Latino!

No… you xenophobic little scamps! I was talking about Latin. The one from Rome. The Subpoena means that if they don’t show up, they will be put on time out for 2-5 years. It is only a matter of time before they all tattle on their boss. 

BUILD THE WALL!

Okay, I see you’re getting riled up, kids… but we need to-

BUILD THE WALL!

I was trying to explain this in a way you could understand because it’s important for-

BUILD THE WALL!

BUILD THE WALL!

BUILD THE WALL!

*Credits Roll*