Teaching Your Kids About Sex? There’s an App For That!

by Laurie Riihimaki

Ok, so it’s official, parenting just got lazier. Now there are actually apps that help you teach your kid about sex! All the awkward questions you used to have to answer are now handed off to an age-appropriate Siri-equivalent. And I get it, parents, it’s not always easy but…

Can we talk about this for a quick sec?

First of all, who thought it was a good idea to make parenting seem easier? There are plenty of reasons to think that for many of us, we probably shouldn’t have children. Maybe take a back seat on making more people until you know how to have an empathetic conversation with your child! Don’t outsource this to a robot.  

The company Amaze wants children to know that puberty and sexual topics are considered natural and healthy. This app was developed with the intent that parents would use it to go hand-in-hand with their own lessons to their child, in order to keep that difficult conversation open. 

As an experienced nanny who sees disconnected parents toss iPads in front of their children any time things get harder than swiping a credit card, Amaze sounds a little too optimistic on what role their app will fill to me.

Real Talk’s site explains that the app uses real-life stories from teens in order to discuss topics of puberty and sex. That sounds well and good, but it also sounds like reading the Confessions section from Cosmopolitan – which is essentially humorous soft-core erotica. Probably cranked out by an over-worked freelance writer like yours truly. 

It’s great, while growing up, to be able to know that “you’re not the only one” when learning about sex and puberty… but, should we really rely on tech to teach our kids this deeply human thing? 

There needs to be a certain trust between a parent and their child in order for them to have a “good” relationship. Conversations about complex matters such as sex are vital to a parent-child relationship, because it helps form a bond of trust. Parents should want their kids to come to them about life’s biggest questions. That way, they will know what is going on in their child’s mind, and there will be an understanding that it’s ok for their child to come to them if they are ever in need. 

And another thing – why do people think it’s ok to let their child learn about human experiences from a robot? Sure, the app probably has a very talented freelance scriptwriter behind it, and is probably fact-checked by a team of medical experts, but, I’m pretty sure this is the formula to creating a man who lives in a tiny San Fran flat with bright lights shining at all times, an obsession with spider plants, and a high-tech sex doll who he enjoys giving back rubs to while enjoying the sounds of Phil Collins. This app will breed an army of psychopathic weirdos who will be unable to achieve an erection when they actually are in a sexual situation with a real human!!!! (hire me to write for Black Mirror, please)

And, if it’s fucking with our animalistic instincts, just imagine what’s next! (Charlie Booker, I know you’re reading this) We will become subdued submissive humans who not only aren’t getting laid… but lose our evolutionary responses. (Black Mirror‘s last season was pretty short, Charlie… maybe it’s time for some fresh blood in the writer’s room?) I’m talking freeze, flight, or flight – gone. Loyalty to our tribes – gone. Any motivation to be bigger and better – gone. By wiping away our desire to procreate, our desire to survive is wiped away too.

I mean, obviously, what’s the point if you aren’t getting a little tail? 

(Please, Charlie. I Need this.)