How Bikes Are Stolen in San Francisco
Shia LaBeouf knows how to nab a bike lickety split. (CC BY SA 3.0, Daniel Salcius, Richard James)
BY TOUTA BAHER
Touta Baher was a child actor who was taken out of the game by Shia LaBeouf on the set of a Skippy peanut butter commercial. That traumatic incident forced him into the archaic world of poetry, where he now sits in rooms full of white people and reads poetry about how evil white people are, only to be told how amazing his work is at the end of these readings by the very white people he was just talking about.
A satirical character by Antony Fangary.
If Shia LaBeouf taught me anything, it’s that bikes are nomadic like pens, lighters, and the people who say that they love you. You don’t really own them, and you never did, and they never really loved you back anyways. They will just appear and disappear in your life in their own accord, and leave you lonely and bikeless.
Shia LaBeoufalways said that bikes are an easy thing to steal, and no lock can actually prevent it; they are just deterrents. Like a “no smoking” sign people are going to smoke, and people are going to steal your bike. The last time I saw him, we were walking with in downtown San Francisco, and we saw a really nice Specialized road bike locked up outside of the Westfield Mall on Market. The bike had three Kryptonite U-locks on it: one locking frame to the front tire, a second locking the frame to the back tire, and a third locking the frame to a bicycle corral. Shia smiled at me, like a kid who was about to break something, and pulled a portable electric saw out of his backpack.
“Watch this, Little Akbar.” Shia ran over to the bike, started the saw, cut off all three locks, and rode away within 30 seconds. I never saw him again, but what a lesson to leave me with. Pretty much if someone wants your bike, they are going to get it. And why shouldn’t they take it? It’s easy money; flipping a bike could mean rent and food for a month if someone is in a pinch. Some of these bikes you see coasting through Crissy Fields and Golden Gate Park are worth well over $10,000 and will sell for at least $3,000 on the black market.
But not all bikes are stolen while unattended in public spaces. I know people who have had their bikes stolen from their garages, sheds, and even from inside their houses. Transporting your bike isn’t safe either; I once saw Shia LaBeouf steal two Pivot mountain bikes off the rack of a car while it was at a stoplight. Some folks steal bikes by force, sometimes while the owner is still on the bike. Other times, they drive up to you while you are biking, pull out a gun, and tell you to get off the bike. But don’t be a weak little bitch. You need to fight back with all of your might, and you need to make them pay for disrespecting you. (Just kidding; obviously, objects are not worth dying over; just do what they say and give them the bike.)
This person just lifted your bike and it doesn’t have to be like that. (micheile henderson)
But you’re probably wondering what happens after the bike gets stolen. Well, they usually repaint it. Why? You may ask. The first thing most people notice about a bike is the color. By spray-painting it, they just hid the make and model of the bike, just like those auto paint garages in Grand Theft Auto III. Remember playing it as a kid, if the police were after you, you could pull into one of those garages, change the color of your car, and boom: all your wanted stars were gone. Yes, stealing bikes is just like a video game.
Another thing they can do to conceal that they stole YOUR bike is by covering it in stickers or changing the handlebar tape or grip color. This seems so simple, and that’s because it is. Small changes can make the bike look completely different. Another slightly more effective thing that they do is swap the parts with other bikes. This can include handlebars, pedals, rims, tires, stems, even water bottle cages.
Let’s say they have a lot of time and aren’t trying to sell or conceal the bike right away. Well, they are about to have a PAYDAY. They can part out the bike, making sure each piece is clean, and sell them individually on Ebay.
You’re probably thinking “Won’t that set off red flags? Can’t someone tell these are stolen components?” No, and here is why: The kind of person that parts out and sells individual components of a bike online is the kind of person who has several bikes they’ve done this to and are probably selling hundreds of components and bikes simultaneously. It will look like they just do that for a living like they are a legit used-bike part distributor and can always say they bought everything in cash, like Shia did when we were kids.
But that is just it; they don’t even need to take your whole bike. With a simple hex key, they can make off with your front wheel, your stem, handlebars, seat and seat post, and even your pedals. Individual parts alone can sell for a quick $50 to $100 per item.
How to prevent your bike from getting stolen
As you may have gathered by this point, you can’t. But there are things you can do that will help lower the likelihood, even if it is just marginal.
Use a U-Lock
These are the toughest locks to break through and will take the longest to cut. Even if it only takes 10 seconds, 10 is better than five. Make sure it is a name-brand U-lock, too. The cheaper ones can be cut faster and even unlocked with a regular ink pen if you know what you are doing. Do not use any other lock unless it is in addition to a U-lock.
Prioritize locking the frame to an unmovable surface
The frame is the nucleus, and all the parts are attached. If you lose the frame, you pretty much lose everything. Technically, the right way to lock a bike is with 3 U-locks, with one locking the frame to the front tire, a second locking the frame to the back tire, and a third locking the frame to a fixed object, just like our friend who had their Specialized road bike stolen. We all see how easy it is for Shia LaBeouf to steal any bike.
Locking it in a crowded public space
If there are a lot of people around, Shia LaBeouf is less likely to try stealing it. But I said “less.” Some people aren’t phased by stealing in public, nor should they be.
Avoid leaving your bike outside altogether
If you are riding your bike, never let it leave your side. That means never locking it outside stores, work, or restaurants. If you are that scared, just drop the idea of using a bike to commute to places. If you only use the bike for the sake of bike riding, it’s less likely to get stolen. Except by force, which does happen.
Befriend Shia LaBeouf
No matter what he says or does to you, you are better off being on his good side. He’s Louis fuckin Stevens, and he’ll do whatever the fuck he wants. I once saw him pistol-whip a grown man when we were kids.
Let go
Your bike might get stolen, and that is OKAY. You deserved it. We all do.
If your bike is stolen and you have enough money in your account to buy a new one, get over it. If you don’t, you probably stole that bike and are probably cool as fuck, and I want to be friends. The bus is free — just don’t get caught. And last, the safest sex is no sex, and that same rule applies to bikes and Shia LaBeouf: don’t fuck him no matter what he promises you, and don’t have a bike if you are really that scared of it getting stolen.
Howdy! My name is Katy Atchison and I'm an Associate Editor for Broke-Ass Stuart.
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