Applebee’s To Take Over Cliff House With The Help Of Daniel Lurie
The historic Cliff House restaurant has been vacant for far too long. The iconic San Francisco eatery has sat vacant since December of 2020. This fact is entirely unacceptable, as the Cliff House is as much a part of San Francisco as Patagonia vests and Fentanyl.
The good news is that Applebees is taking over the location! The plans were just approved by Daniel Lurie himself, according to a report by Chron4 This takeover is great news for the city as the new Applebee’s location will be just west of the Presidio, which the Trump Administration has dedicated itself to turning the formerly boring Presidio into a “foggier version of Florida.” And do you know what a patriot’s palate craves? None other than Applebee’s!
The menu will have classics such as the dollarita. However, the name and prices will be altered to fit what San Franciscans have grown accustomed to. The dollarita will become the one hundred dollarita. It’s exactly the same, it’s now just $100. Truly exciting!
Some have protested this takeover of the Cliff House, and to those people I say, “hey, shut the fuck up!” There is nothing better than lubricating your throat to help you gulp down a dry-ass boneless chicken wing with a One Hundred Dollarita.
San Francisco’s food scene is deplorably mid, despite what the mainstream media tells you. The only thing great about the Cliff House were the views. The views will still be there, but this time with food that is actually edible. Applebee’s is one of the greatest things to happen to San Francisco. The Fishermen’s Wharf location has long been the only Applebee’s outpost in the entirety of San Francisco, and that’s on the eastern half of the city, which is shit-covered and smelly. Western SF is pristine, and populated with well-educated tech workers who want to enjoy their Quesadilla Burger in luxury.
Some say the Quesadilla Burger is an abomination and exists as nothing more than the culinary equivalent of spitting in the eyes of God, but those people are too fucking poor to understand MICHELIN-starred mastery if it smacked them in their Mission District-loving faces. Birria tacos? This is America! Speak ENGLISH!
The grand opening has been confirmed for Q4 2025, with performances by patriot and least closeted-closeted racist award winners, Kid Rock and Jason Aldean. Who knows, President Trump may even come to the grand opening to cut the ribbon himself!
A lot of people have said that San Francisco is in crisis and suffers from and irreversible ‘doom loop’.’ This sensationalist reporting wasn’t just from typical right wings, but from local legacy media as well, which lended credibility to the claim.
Luckily those days are over as Donald Trump is rightfully taking back the Presidio while Applebee’s will ensure you enjoy your lava cake in a lavish setting, i think it’s safe to say the ‘doom loop’ is officially over… Or maybe it’s just beginning, and the idea of a doom loop isn’t limited to San Francisco, it’s actually a nationwide problem as billionaires strip away essentially government services. Who knows? Who cares? We’re American! We’re fucking free… to eat at Applebee’s.
April Fools… Except for the second half of the last paragraph. We’re really fucked.
SUBSCRIBE TO MY SUBSTACK HERE
FOLLOW MY WRITING ON INSTAGRAM HERE
FOLLOW BAY AREA MEMES ON FACEBOOK HERE
FOLLOW BAY AREA MEMES ON INSTAGRAM HERE
PURCHASE MY BOOK HERE
Howdy! My name is Katy Atchison and I'm an Associate Editor for Broke-Ass Stuart.
I want to take the time to say thank you for supporting independent news media by reading BrokeAssstuart.com. Supporting independent news sources like Broke-Ass Stuart is vital to supporting our community because it amplifies the voices of a wide variety of diverse opinions. You also help support small businesses and local artists by sharing stories from Broke-Ass Stuart.
Because you're one of our supporters, I wanted to send over a pro-tip.
Our bi-weekly newsletter is a great way to get round ups of Broke-Ass Stuart stories, learn about new businesses in The Bay Area, find out about fun local events and be first in line for giveaways.
If you’d like to get our newsletter, signup right here, it takes 5 seconds.
You Might Also Like
